AND YET ANOTHER ANSWERED PRAYER

Just in time for Christmas comes another precious gift - Oral Roberts has died!
He lived to a ripe old age - about 90 or 91 I believe - but he finally did kick the bucket!
Actually, I admired him. I admire ALL hustlers, and he was, of course the creme de la creme of all hustlers, together with Billy Graham, ALL televangelists, the Pope, the Dalai Lama, and anyone who uses a deity for the sole purpose of making money. And plenty of money they all make.
The most amazing circumstance about Oral Roberts is that he achieved his success and notoriety despite his first name. That, by itself, was a dead give-away that he was a cocksucker. And still he thrived.
My hat is off to him!

ABOUT PROFANITY

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I am not an apologist for profanity but I consider “fuck" a good word, a very practical, very utilitarian word. And oh so fungible, so malleable, so versatile....

Clearly, tout le monde must share my opinion - the English monde at least. There’s got to be a reason why the word itself and, most commonly, its gerund form are undoubtedly the most used, the most useless and at the same time the most useful, the most ubiquitous modifiers in the English language. The second most used – goddammed or goddam - don’t even come close.

From Animal to Zoo - and with 24 stops in between – the “F” word can and surely has been used as a modifier to every single noun in Webster’s Dictionary - “Shut that fucking door!”… “Open that fucking window!”… “It’s a fucking shame…”.

But that’s not all. It is also used as a modifier to an adverb - “Fuck, no!”, and even as a modifier to a modifier! “Man! That’s so fucking funny!”. And then, implausibly, even as a modifier to a verb! “What did the Yankees do last night?… They fucking lost!”

And, of course, a few words must be said about its most vituperative derivative – motherfucker.

Oddly, despite its clear etymology, this strangely entertaining insult is rarely - if ever – used to explicitly indicate, or even hint at, Oedipal love between the insulted and his mother. Another oddity about this incredibly flexible contumely is that its use and purpose vary widely along racial lines.

When spewed by Caucasians, it’s almost always a serious invective, frequently even a fighting word. Blacks, on the other hand, are more eclectic in its use – coming out of their mouths, “motherfucker” can mean literally anything. Mostly, they use it as a colloquial reference to whatever they are talking about, as a commentary to an event, or just as an explicit interjection. Ludicrously, when directed toward a person “motherfucker” is even meant as a sign of affection, respect or admiration. Only occasionally they will use it as an insult.

But think about it – what other language offers a comically inventive gem of a word like ‘un-fucking-believable’?… And in what other lingo could you find the terse, dismissive explicitness of a ‘fuck off!’?… Or even the shockingly blasphemous oath ‘Jesus! – Fucking! – Christ!’?…

I don’t remember where or when I first heard this last imprecation, or even who uttered it, but I still do remember the intense jolt of ‘shock and awe’ I felt when I first heard it… And this was way before Operation Desert Storm…. ‘Shock’ because, despite my less than sterling religious credentials, I do maintain a grudging respect for religious icons, and pairing “fucking” with Jesus Christ, especially as a middle name, was - well! - simply shocking and outrageous. And ‘awe’ because you got to admire the balls, the audacity, not to mention the originality, and the inventiveness of whoever first uttered that irreverent cry of exasperation.

I’m telling you, ‘fuck’ has it all! Curt, crisp, powerful - it’s a word that in a way defines America. It’s vulgar, of course - I am not disputing that - but its usefulness far outweighs its vulgarity.

Curiously enough, the only time its vulgarity hits me like a slap in the face is when it’s used to describe exactly what it means, as in ‘I fucked my girlfriend twice yesterday’. Used that way, I find it offensively degrading, demeaning, grating, it literally makes me cringe. I not only lose respect for whoever describes lovemaking so vulgarly – they will automatically be included in my Hit List.

Used any other way, as in ‘Am I supposed to give a fuck about this entire dissertation?’, then it is just a graphic expletive and, like all expletives, it becomes vulgar only when overused.

When utilized at the appropriate times, it becomes a very effective, powerful, satisfying, indispensable tool. Frequently even mandatory.

RANDOM THOUGHTS

Let us not mince words - justice is just a euphemism for vengeance. I kind of like the cruder term.


All nice guys have a dark secret. And the nicest of all guys, the saintest of all saints, has the darkest of secrets.


Stephen and Thomas Neuberger - The Jewish revenge for being considered guilty of deicide for about 2,000 years (And, by the way - right on, Steve and Tom!... And I'm sorry the statute of limitations has expired)

Speeding motorists are dangerous. But motorists who STRICTLY stay within the speed limit are infinitely more annoying.

BLAME THE MESSENGER

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And along with people who want to make statements, do you know who else pisses me off ?... Fiercely?… People who insist on sending messages.

Yes! As in, “…last night’s raid on Route 13 leading to the arrest of 5 prostitutes sends a message to pimps and prospective johns that this kind of behavior will no longer be tolerated, bla bla bla…”

Or, “ … yesterday’s $ 1 million cocaine bust was intended to send a strong message that drug dealers are not welcome in Delaware bla, bla, bla…

Or, “… the elimination of Abdul Mohammed sends a message to all terrorists that America will not just stand by bla, bla, bla….”

Or, “… imposing a 10-year sentence sends a message that wife beating will not be tolerated bla, bla, bla…”

Or, “… the Hate-Crime verdict sends a message that anyone else out there who gets caught in extreme ideology bla, bla, bla…”

Or, “… the $ 3 million jury award sends a message to insurance companies to take care of toxic-mold claims adequately or bla, bla, bla….”

You get the idea?… Or the message?…

Can anyone point out one single instance of a “message” sent that was actually instrumental in fostering, or eliminating, a certain type of behavior or action? I can’t.

Did prostitution on Rt. 13 end?… Did drug trafficking ever end or even diminish?… Did terrorism stop?… Did wife abuse stop?… Did anything EVER change after ANY of those stern pronouncements?… NO, NO, NO, NO, and again NO! … And on those not-so-rare occasions when the answer is YES, you can bet your life that they changed for the worse…

In most cases, people who send those type of messages are just blowhards who are desperately trying to justify their salary.

My advice to them is: If you want to send a message, use Western Union…. Why, silly me… even Western Union stopped sending messages about two years ago…

My warning to them then is: Just do your job and shut the fuck up.

Or you go on my Hit List.

MAKING A STATEMENT

Last year, when my beloved 12-year old car was just about ready to give up the ghost, my wife and I went shopping for a new one.
Our first stop was at the local Toyota dealer. We walked in confidently and were soon approached by a welcoming saleslady. She introduced herself and we shook hands. As my wife gazed at me adoringly, I then boldly told the smiling saleslady: "I want to make a statement!"
She kept smiling but leaned her head to one side giving me a quizzical look. Clearly she had not understood me, so I told her again: "I said I want to make a statement!"
She stopped smiling and glanced around, clearly at a loss. Obviously, she hadn't been told that some Toyota huckster had declared that "people who buy the Toyota Matrix are people who want to make a statement..."
Not wanting to humiliate her, however, I just smiled benevolently and told her I was interested in seeing the new Matrix. She was soon on familiar grounds and quickly showed me a new model they had in the showroom.
I inspected it and - lo and behold! - it was a 5-door hatchback with four wheels, an engine, a steering wheel, headlights, horn, radio and heater, A/C, seats, cargo space, etc. just like all other hatchbacks. It did, however, have one distinctive characteristic, an absolutely unique feature that immediately made you realize this car was different, distinguishable from all others - on the lower right of the tailgate there was a chrome plated sign that spelled out "Matrix". No other car has that!
And that, as far as I could tell, was the statement people wanted to make. "Look out, guys! I have a car that on the lower right of the tailgate has a chrome plated sign that spells out 'Matrix'. Eat your bourgeois heart out!"
Once I saw what that statement was all about, I realized I didn't want to make a statement after all. And I went for the Camry (which is what my wife wanted in the first place).
My curiosity was piqued, however, and just for the hell of it I set out to see who else "made statements". And what better place to look than on the Internet.
And an entertaining journey it was.
Surprisingly, the No. 1 statement makers seem to be sport teams and athletes in general. Just today, for instance, I read that "the Celtics reserves made a loud statement with their 110-101 win over the Knicks". And some time ago Phil Mickelson made a statement by scoring a playoff victory over Tiger Woods. The Georgia Bulldogs also made a forceful statement when they defeated No. 13-ranked LSU. Not to be outdone, an on-line report states that "mid-week games in the MAC (Mid American Conference) give teams a chance to deliver a statement."
I may be taking too much for granted, but I will just assume that "making" it or "delivering" it will not dilute the impact of a statement.
In the vast majority of cases, statement makers seem to be perennial losers who on one particular day - when the stars were aligned properly and their more talented opponents happened to have an incredibly bad day - managed to eke out a victory, thus giving them an opportunity TO MAKE A STATEMENT! Just a coincidence, I'm sure.
With jewelry and accessories you can make enough statements to practically proclaim your very own declaration of independence.
Yes! You can make a "puissant statement" in a number of ways (I had to look up the word myself - it means powerful). From delicate heirlooms to beautiful gems and even a few fabulous fakes, from big chunky jewelry to bold necklaces, from eye catching collars and chokers to bold beads and powerful pendants, from handbags to oversize buttons, YOU can clearly state you have more money than brain. Plus incredibly bad taste. Did you know that?
Wearing apparel is, of course, de rigueur if you want to impress people. Clothes by well-known designers are, by definition, statement makers. They unequivocally state to an unsuspecting world "I am one rich bitch!"
But more mundane articles can also be worn to express your uselessness. Tee shirts designers have come up with a graphic art Tee that makes a statement. "I like a T-shirt that makes you think" is the exact quote of one elated customer. Kind of revealing, I think.
Or you can make a statement if you wear a funny T-shirt. Or western-styled jeans. Or, so help me God!, if you wear a Gothic prom dress!
And did you know you can make a statement wearing a wooden tie?... You didn't?... Yes, you can!... For a paltry $156.95 you can tell the whole world you are only about 1/5 as stupid as the guy who spends $725.95 for a tie made of Manzanita root. And you'll absolutely love the catch phrase used in the advertisement for that tie - "How can a woman reject you when she knows you have $ 730.00 to spend on a strip of Manzanita Root?"
And - surprise! - I discovered that Al Sharpton also made a statement. This time, however, he implausibly contrived to do it silently. He let his three piece, caramel-color, windowpane-checked suit with a matching striped tie speak for him. The vest, in particular, "reads like a statement of exaggerated dignity and pulpit-pounding righteousness". Whatever, as long as he keeps his mouth shut!
And how else can one make a statement? Let' s see... "You can make a statement. Your own. With a Karastan rug" proclaims one of their ads. Or you can make one with wall tapestries, bathroom vanities, modern furniture, by growing a beard, or even by investing in gay-friendly mutual funds. I kid you not.
But the ultimate statement maker - in more ways than one - has got to be the one made by Ed Peck, a real estate developer in Florida. He has prepared for himself at a cost of only $400,000.00 a Greek-pillared, neo-Classical-style white granite mausoleum with a granite patio, a meditation room, doors of hand-cast bronze, and chandeliers. And not wanting his future neighbors to think of him as a show-off, he has already sold six similar ones to other soon-to-be cadavers. One satisfied customer states: "The mausoleum says I am really significant in this world... and this is one way to communicate that to the community."
R.I.P., mates!... And the sooner the better.

Enough already with statement makers. Thomas Sowell said it best - "Those preoccupied with making a statement usually don't have a statement to make".
I'll take the liberty of making a statement to expound on his theory.
ANYONE who buys, sells, or does whatever, just to "make a statement" is a loser. Every last single one of them.
But their futility will not go unrecognized.
Go ahead! Make a puissant-plus statement!!... Enter Letterio's Hit List!!

WRITE ON!

Today's post is just a rant. No death penalties, no inclusions in my lethal "Hit List", no blood letting. Just some off-beat musings.
I am not quite sure of how to go about doing this, but I figure the best way is to test your knowledge.
Yes! It's time for a little quiz.
No crib sheets, turn off your cell phones, and absolutely.... no Googling. OK?
It's a simple quiz - I will give you several famous names. It's your job to identify them and to list something they have done to make them famous. Simple enough, right?
Here we go.
1. Gao Xingjian
2. V. S. Naipaul
3. Imre Kertesz
4. J. M. Coetzee
5. Elfriede Jelinek
6. Orhan Pamuk
7. Doris Lessing
8. Jose Saramago
9. Dario Fo
10. Wislawa Szymborska
11. Seamus Heany
12. Kenzaboru Oe
13. Jean-Marie Gustave Le Clezio
If you can identify ten or more of those people you are a genius. Six to nine, you are a pretty well informed person. Two to five, an average guy. Zero to one, a brilliant schnook like me.
Personally, I could identify just one - Dario Fo - and then only because he happens to be Italian like me.
Give up?... You hopeless fellow morons... Those guys are world famous people, they are luminaries, they are the "creme de la creme" in their field. You never heard about them?... Well, if you have never heard about them it's because... well, possibly it's because they should have remained obscure.
But enough with the suspense!... Are you ready?... All those guys have won the Nobel Prize for Literature over the past 15 years. I purposely left out two names - Gunther Grass and Harold Pinter (who won the Nobel Prize respectively in 1999 and 2005), and then only because I wanted to make things difficult for you. You see, I had actually heard about them (although I cannot name one single book they have written), and I figured if I have heard about them, chances are others have heard about them also.
Now, believe it or not, I am a voracious reader - I would say I read an average of four, maybe five books a month. But I have never ever read one single book written by any one of the above-named people, not even by Dario Fo who happens to be a controversial actor/play writer - and a very obscure one at that - even in Italy.
Just for the hell of it, I checked the names of all the winners of the Nobel Prize for Literature since it was started in 1901. It has been awarded to 105 people, and I am familiar with only 31 of them.
The amazing part is that I do not read trash. Honest! Well... OK... occasionally I stumble into something that somebody suggested I read because, supposedly, it's very good and it turns out to be a piece of crap.
Normally, however, I read good books, the kind of books that when I finish reading them I feel like putting the author on my "Hit List" because it makes me realize I will never be a good writer.
My point is, I believe the Nobel Prize for Literature has become irrelevant. On many occasions it has clearly been awarded for political reasons while on some other occasions it was awarded to maintain some sort of geographical balance.
I'll be the first to admit that best-sellers do NOT necessarily mean good literature. But it seems to me that the guys in Sweden seem to believe that only worst-sellers are worthy of consideration for the Nobel Prize. And I am not quite ready to believe that.
I will gladly listen to your comments.

FINALLY, ANOTHER PRAYER ANSWERED!

Amid the dismal economic news, the prospect of having to choose between two stunningly mediocre candidates to the Presidency, and a host of other depressing news... finally, one ray of sunshine.
Yes! I just read that Mr. Blackwell died, at the age of 86...
He was a leading candidate to enter my Hit List. In fact, I had meant to dedicate an entire column to him, but - you know how it is - one is not supposed to badmouth dead people...
And so, I'll just say... another prayer answered. Finally!
86 years too late - but better late than never.