Letterio

AND YET ANOTHER ANSWERED PRAYER

2009-12-18T16:32:00.000-08:00

Just in time for Christmas comes another precious gift - Oral Roberts has died!
He lived to a ripe old age - about 90 or 91 I believe - but he finally did kick the bucket!
Actually, I admired him. I admire ALL hustlers, and he was, of course the creme de la creme of all hustlers, together with Billy Graham, ALL televangelists, the Pope, the Dalai Lama, and anyone who uses a deity for the sole purpose of making money. And plenty of money they all make.
The most amazing circumstance about Oral Roberts is that he achieved his success and notoriety despite his first name. That, by itself, was a dead give-away that he was a cocksucker. And still he thrived.
My hat is off to him!

ABOUT PROFANITY

2009-08-29T15:28:00.000-07:00

I am not an apologist for profanity but I consider “fuck" a good word, a very practical, very utilitarian word. And oh so fungible, so malleable, so versatile....

Clearly, tout le monde must share my opinion - the English monde at least. There’s got to be a reason why the word itself and, most commonly, its gerund form are undoubtedly the most used, the most useless and at the same time the most useful, the most ubiquitous modifiers in the English language. The second most used – goddammed or goddam - don’t even come close.

From Animal to Zoo - and with 24 stops in between – the “F” word can and surely has been used as a modifier to every single noun in Webster’s Dictionary - “Shut that fucking door!”… “Open that fucking window!”… “It’s a fucking shame…”.

But that’s not all. It is also used as a modifier to an adverb - “Fuck, no!”, and even as a modifier to a modifier! “Man! That’s so fucking funny!”. And then, implausibly, even as a modifier to a verb! “What did the Yankees do last night?… They fucking lost!”

And, of course, a few words must be said about its most vituperative derivative – motherfucker.

Oddly, despite its clear etymology, this strangely entertaining insult is rarely - if ever – used to explicitly indicate, or even hint at, Oedipal love between the insulted and his mother. Another oddity about this incredibly flexible contumely is that its use and purpose vary widely along racial lines.

When spewed by Caucasians, it’s almost always a serious invective, frequently even a fighting word. Blacks, on the other hand, are more eclectic in its use – coming out of their mouths, “motherfucker” can mean literally anything. Mostly, they use it as a colloquial reference to whatever they are talking about, as a commentary to an event, or just as an explicit interjection. Ludicrously, when directed toward a person “motherfucker” is even meant as a sign of affection, respect or admiration. Only occasionally they will use it as an insult.

But think about it – what other language offers a comically inventive gem of a word like ‘un-fucking-believable’?… And in what other lingo could you find the terse, dismissive explicitness of a ‘fuck off!’?… Or even the shockingly blasphemous oath ‘Jesus! – Fucking! – Christ!’?…

I don’t remember where or when I first heard this last imprecation, or even who uttered it, but I still do remember the intense jolt of ‘shock and awe’ I felt when I first heard it… And this was way before Operation Desert Storm…. ‘Shock’ because, despite my less than sterling religious credentials, I do maintain a grudging respect for religious icons, and pairing “fucking” with Jesus Christ, especially as a middle name, was - well! - simply shocking and outrageous. And ‘awe’ because you got to admire the balls, the audacity, not to mention the originality, and the inventiveness of whoever first uttered that irreverent cry of exasperation.

I’m telling you, ‘fuck’ has it all! Curt, crisp, powerful - it’s a word that in a way defines America. It’s vulgar, of course - I am not disputing that - but its usefulness far outweighs its vulgarity.

Curiously enough, the only time its vulgarity hits me like a slap in the face is when it’s used to describe exactly what it means, as in ‘I fucked my girlfriend twice yesterday’. Used that way, I find it offensively degrading, demeaning, grating, it literally makes me cringe. I not only lose respect for whoever describes lovemaking so vulgarly – they will automatically be included in my Hit List.

Used any other way, as in ‘Am I supposed to give a fuck about this entire dissertation?’, then it is just a graphic expletive and, like all expletives, it becomes vulgar only when overused.

When utilized at the appropriate times, it becomes a very effective, powerful, satisfying, indispensable tool. Frequently even mandatory.

RANDOM THOUGHTS

2009-08-08T17:18:00.000-07:00

Let us not mince words - justice is just a euphemism for vengeance. I kind of like the cruder term.

All nice guys have a dark secret. And the nicest of all guys, the saintest of all saints, has the darkest of secrets.

Stephen and Thomas Neuberger - The Jewish revenge for being considered guilty of deicide for about 2,000 years (And, by the way - right on, Steve and Tom!... And I'm sorry the statute of limitations has expired)

Speeding motorists are dangerous. But motorists who STRICTLY stay within the speed limit are infinitely more annoying.

BLAME THE MESSENGER

2008-11-26T16:04:00.000-08:00

And along with people who want to make statements, do you know who else pisses me off ?... Fiercely?… People who insist on sending messages.

Yes! As in, “…last night’s raid on Route 13 leading to the arrest of 5 prostitutes sends a message to pimps and prospective johns that this kind of behavior will no longer be tolerated, bla bla bla…”

Or, “ … yesterday’s $ 1 million cocaine bust was intended to send a strong message that drug dealers are not welcome in Delaware bla, bla, bla…

Or, “… the elimination of Abdul Mohammed sends a message to all terrorists that America will not just stand by bla, bla, bla….”

Or, “… imposing a 10-year sentence sends a message that wife beating will not be tolerated bla, bla, bla…”

Or, “… the Hate-Crime verdict sends a message that anyone else out there who gets caught in extreme ideology bla, bla, bla…”

Or, “… the $ 3 million jury award sends a message to insurance companies to take care of toxic-mold claims adequately or bla, bla, bla….”

You get the idea?… Or the message?…

Can anyone point out one single instance of a “message” sent that was actually instrumental in fostering, or eliminating, a certain type of behavior or action? I can’t.

Did prostitution on Rt. 13 end?… Did drug trafficking ever end or even diminish?… Did terrorism stop?… Did wife abuse stop?… Did anything EVER change after ANY of those stern pronouncements?… NO, NO, NO, NO, and again NO! … And on those not-so-rare occasions when the answer is YES, you can bet your life that they changed for the worse…

In most cases, people who send those type of messages are just blowhards who are desperately trying to justify their salary.

My advice to them is: If you want to send a message, use Western Union…. Why, silly me… even Western Union stopped sending messages about two years ago…

My warning to them then is: Just do your job and shut the fuck up.

Or you go on my Hit List.

MAKING A STATEMENT

2008-11-19T18:04:00.000-08:00

Last year, when my beloved 12-year old car was just about ready to give up the ghost, my wife and I went shopping for a new one.
Our first stop was at the local Toyota dealer. We walked in confidently and were soon approached by a welcoming saleslady. She introduced herself and we shook hands. As my wife gazed at me adoringly, I then boldly told the smiling saleslady: "I want to make a statement!"
She kept smiling but leaned her head to one side giving me a quizzical look. Clearly she had not understood me, so I told her again: "I said I want to make a statement!"
She stopped smiling and glanced around, clearly at a loss. Obviously, she hadn't been told that some Toyota huckster had declared that "people who buy the Toyota Matrix are people who want to make a statement..."
Not wanting to humiliate her, however, I just smiled benevolently and told her I was interested in seeing the new Matrix. She was soon on familiar grounds and quickly showed me a new model they had in the showroom.
I inspected it and - lo and behold! - it was a 5-door hatchback with four wheels, an engine, a steering wheel, headlights, horn, radio and heater, A/C, seats, cargo space, etc. just like all other hatchbacks. It did, however, have one distinctive characteristic, an absolutely unique feature that immediately made you realize this car was different, distinguishable from all others - on the lower right of the tailgate there was a chrome plated sign that spelled out "Matrix". No other car has that!
And that, as far as I could tell, was the statement people wanted to make. "Look out, guys! I have a car that on the lower right of the tailgate has a chrome plated sign that spells out 'Matrix'. Eat your bourgeois heart out!"
Once I saw what that statement was all about, I realized I didn't want to make a statement after all. And I went for the Camry (which is what my wife wanted in the first place).
My curiosity was piqued, however, and just for the hell of it I set out to see who else "made statements". And what better place to look than on the Internet.
And an entertaining journey it was.
Surprisingly, the No. 1 statement makers seem to be sport teams and athletes in general. Just today, for instance, I read that "the Celtics reserves made a loud statement with their 110-101 win over the Knicks". And some time ago Phil Mickelson made a statement by scoring a playoff victory over Tiger Woods. The Georgia Bulldogs also made a forceful statement when they defeated No. 13-ranked LSU. Not to be outdone, an on-line report states that "mid-week games in the MAC (Mid American Conference) give teams a chance to deliver a statement."
I may be taking too much for granted, but I will just assume that "making" it or "delivering" it will not dilute the impact of a statement.
In the vast majority of cases, statement makers seem to be perennial losers who on one particular day - when the stars were aligned properly and their more talented opponents happened to have an incredibly bad day - managed to eke out a victory, thus giving them an opportunity TO MAKE A STATEMENT! Just a coincidence, I'm sure.
With jewelry and accessories you can make enough statements to practically proclaim your very own declaration of independence.
Yes! You can make a "puissant statement" in a number of ways (I had to look up the word myself - it means powerful). From delicate heirlooms to beautiful gems and even a few fabulous fakes, from big chunky jewelry to bold necklaces, from eye catching collars and chokers to bold beads and powerful pendants, from handbags to oversize buttons, YOU can clearly state you have more money than brain. Plus incredibly bad taste. Did you know that?
Wearing apparel is, of course, de rigueur if you want to impress people. Clothes by well-known designers are, by definition, statement makers. They unequivocally state to an unsuspecting world "I am one rich bitch!"
But more mundane articles can also be worn to express your uselessness. Tee shirts designers have come up with a graphic art Tee that makes a statement. "I like a T-shirt that makes you think" is the exact quote of one elated customer. Kind of revealing, I think.
Or you can make a statement if you wear a funny T-shirt. Or western-styled jeans. Or, so help me God!, if you wear a Gothic prom dress!
And did you know you can make a statement wearing a wooden tie?... You didn't?... Yes, you can!... For a paltry $156.95 you can tell the whole world you are only about 1/5 as stupid as the guy who spends $725.95 for a tie made of Manzanita root. And you'll absolutely love the catch phrase used in the advertisement for that tie - "How can a woman reject you when she knows you have $ 730.00 to spend on a strip of Manzanita Root?"
And - surprise! - I discovered that Al Sharpton also made a statement. This time, however, he implausibly contrived to do it silently. He let his three piece, caramel-color, windowpane-checked suit with a matching striped tie speak for him. The vest, in particular, "reads like a statement of exaggerated dignity and pulpit-pounding righteousness". Whatever, as long as he keeps his mouth shut!
And how else can one make a statement? Let' s see... "You can make a statement. Your own. With a Karastan rug" proclaims one of their ads. Or you can make one with wall tapestries, bathroom vanities, modern furniture, by growing a beard, or even by investing in gay-friendly mutual funds. I kid you not.
But the ultimate statement maker - in more ways than one - has got to be the one made by Ed Peck, a real estate developer in Florida. He has prepared for himself at a cost of only $400,000.00 a Greek-pillared, neo-Classical-style white granite mausoleum with a granite patio, a meditation room, doors of hand-cast bronze, and chandeliers. And not wanting his future neighbors to think of him as a show-off, he has already sold six similar ones to other soon-to-be cadavers. One satisfied customer states: "The mausoleum says I am really significant in this world... and this is one way to communicate that to the community."
R.I.P., mates!... And the sooner the better.

Enough already with statement makers. Thomas Sowell said it best - "Those preoccupied with making a statement usually don't have a statement to make".
I'll take the liberty of making a statement to expound on his theory.
ANYONE who buys, sells, or does whatever, just to "make a statement" is a loser. Every last single one of them.
But their futility will not go unrecognized.
Go ahead! Make a puissant-plus statement!!... Enter Letterio's Hit List!!

WRITE ON!

2008-11-11T16:40:00.000-08:00

Today's post is just a rant. No death penalties, no inclusions in my lethal "Hit List", no blood letting. Just some off-beat musings.
I am not quite sure of how to go about doing this, but I figure the best way is to test your knowledge.
Yes! It's time for a little quiz.
No crib sheets, turn off your cell phones, and absolutely.... no Googling. OK?
It's a simple quiz - I will give you several famous names. It's your job to identify them and to list something they have done to make them famous. Simple enough, right?
Here we go.
1. Gao Xingjian
2. V. S. Naipaul
3. Imre Kertesz
4. J. M. Coetzee
5. Elfriede Jelinek
6. Orhan Pamuk
7. Doris Lessing
8. Jose Saramago
9. Dario Fo
10. Wislawa Szymborska
11. Seamus Heany
12. Kenzaboru Oe
13. Jean-Marie Gustave Le Clezio

If you can identify ten or more of those people you are a genius. Six to nine, you are a pretty well informed person. Two to five, an average guy. Zero to one, a brilliant schnook like me.
Personally, I could identify just one - Dario Fo - and then only because he happens to be Italian like me.
Give up?... You hopeless fellow morons... Those guys are world famous people, they are luminaries, they are the "creme de la creme" in their field. You never heard about them?... Well, if you have never heard about them it's because... well, possibly it's because they should have remained obscure.
But enough with the suspense!... Are you ready?... All those guys have won the Nobel Prize for Literature over the past 15 years. I purposely left out two names - Gunther Grass and Harold Pinter (who won the Nobel Prize respectively in 1999 and 2005), and then only because I wanted to make things difficult for you. You see, I had actually heard about them (although I cannot name one single book they have written), and I figured if I have heard about them, chances are others have heard about them also.
Now, believe it or not, I am a voracious reader - I would say I read an average of four, maybe five books a month. But I have never ever read one single book written by any one of the above-named people, not even by Dario Fo who happens to be a controversial actor/play writer - and a very obscure one at that - even in Italy.
Just for the hell of it, I checked the names of all the winners of the Nobel Prize for Literature since it was started in 1901. It has been awarded to 105 people, and I am familiar with only 31 of them.
The amazing part is that I do not read trash. Honest! Well... OK... occasionally I stumble into something that somebody suggested I read because, supposedly, it's very good and it turns out to be a piece of crap.
Normally, however, I read good books, the kind of books that when I finish reading them I feel like putting the author on my "Hit List" because it makes me realize I will never be a good writer.
My point is, I believe the Nobel Prize for Literature has become irrelevant. On many occasions it has clearly been awarded for political reasons while on some other occasions it was awarded to maintain some sort of geographical balance.
I'll be the first to admit that best-sellers do NOT necessarily mean good literature. But it seems to me that the guys in Sweden seem to believe that only worst-sellers are worthy of consideration for the Nobel Prize. And I am not quite ready to believe that.
I will gladly listen to your comments.

FINALLY, ANOTHER PRAYER ANSWERED!

2008-10-20T05:55:00.000-07:00

Amid the dismal economic news, the prospect of having to choose between two stunningly mediocre candidates to the Presidency, and a host of other depressing news... finally, one ray of sunshine.
Yes! I just read that Mr. Blackwell died, at the age of 86...
He was a leading candidate to enter my Hit List. In fact, I had meant to dedicate an entire column to him, but - you know how it is - one is not supposed to badmouth dead people...
And so, I'll just say... another prayer answered. Finally!
86 years too late - but better late than never.

GETTING HIGH

2008-10-05T17:27:00.000-07:00

Today I'll cover a subject I've been wanting to talk about for years - drugs. And no, I don't mean drugs as in Lipitor, Prozac, Celebrex, or even Viagra.
I mean drugs as in cocaine, heroin, crack, ecstasy... and even marijuana, all the illegal shit governments at all levels – national, state, and local – have tried unsuccessfully to eradicate for years. And spending an ungodly amount of money in the process.
Why have they been unsuccessful?... I believe it’s because they are going at it assbackward (or is it backassward?…), which is the typical way governments have of tackling all important problems.
By the way, alcohol and tobacco should be included in that second list. Both of them, however, have been an established part of our social fabric for years - and a legal one at that - so I’ll make an exception. For selfish reasons, of course. I do not smoke – I quit about 40 years ago, but I do love a glass of wine, or two... or three. In fact, I make my own. And I also enjoy a shot of Sambuca... or two, after my espresso coffee.
During the Roaring Twenties the Feds did try to eradicate alcohol but failed. Once it realized the war on alcohol was lost, our Federal government threw in the towel, and quickly repealed the 18th Amendment that forbade the sale, manufacture and importation of alcoholic beverages.Why did it fail?… Because even on that occasion - typically - it tackled the problem backassward (or is it assbackward?...).
Here is where they go wrong. The strategy of our law enforcement officers has always been to go after the BIG NAMES… the Mafia, the Colombian cartel, whatever the hell that is... the kingpins… the drug lords… those big, mean, powerful, and incredibly wealthy motherfuckers who control the drug trade.
Why do they insist on going after the BIG NAMES?... For two reasons.
Officially, it's because they say - and perhaps naively believe - that if you cut off the head of an organization, the organization will cease to exist. Which, of course, is pure bullshit.
That strategy is not only naive but ineffective as well - successful hits or prosecutions have been few and far between.
History shows that when a drug lord is jailed, killed, or whatever, his organization is quickly absorbed by another one. As for effectiveness, wars among rival gangs have probably been more effective in getting rid of those vermin than all successful prosecutions. It might not be a bad idea to entirely suspend the war on drugs and just let those bastards duke it out among themselves.
So why do they keep going after the big guys?... I'll tell you why. It's because catching a drug lord nets the Feds big headlines. And when they get big headlines, they fool people into believing our tax money is well spent. Well, it isn't... it is pissed away... same fate that will befall the $700 billion bailout plan...
Clearly, that BIG NAME strategy has not worked and will never work.
So how should we fight that war?… Very simple… Just take my very simple advice... DO NOT GO AFTER THE BIG NAMES... GO AFTER THE SMALL NAMES... BUT DO IT BIG TIME….. GO AFTER THE TWO-BIT STREET PUSHERS... BUT DO IT WITH A VENGEANCE.
Personally, I am a big time believer in the Death Penalty. I recognize, however, that putting all street pushers to death would ruffle a few feathers. Not mine for sure, but several thousands very vocal bleeding hearts who can't stand the sight of blood would raise all sorts of hell if we would put to death a few thousands poor excuses for humanity. And so we must be "civilized"... But if it will help shutting up those holier-than-thou phonies, it just may be worth pissing away millions of very good tax dollars keeping those dregs alive.
But all is not lost - we can still win the fight. If they were put in jail for, say, a minimum of 20 years – EVEN AFTER A FIRST OFFENSE - I believe those BIG NAMES would have some serious recruiting problems. Very serious.
Needless to say, for my plan to succeed there should be no exceptions, no excuses, no extenuating circumstance - nothing. You are convicted of selling drugs – ANY QUANTITY, EVEN HALF A GRAM - and you go to the slammer for 20 years.
I know - those same bleeding hearts will scream that sending small time street pushers to the can for 20 years is unfair because many of those poor, innocent pushers are "forced" to sell the stuff to feed their own habits. I find that to be the most preposterous excuse I have ever heard - in fact, I believe that selling drugs to feed your own habit is an aggravating factor. They should get 30 years.
How many lowlifes would want to join that lucrative métier if they knew – REALLY KNEW! – that even the smallest sale would net them a minimum of 20 years in jail?... 20 years, no parole... With no time off for good behavior?...
My best guess is that very few would, and I believe that without street pushers the trade could not survive.
There is, of course, another way of winning the war on drugs, and it is quite simply to legalize ALL DRUGS. Which is also my choice, by the way. I don’t see any downside.
On the upside:
No. 1 - It would practically eliminate the lawlessness and violence directly or indirectly connected to drugs, i.e., muggings, break-ins, and sundry thefts.
No. 2 - It would provide a legitimate source of income for our workforce – new farming communities, factories to produce the stuff, legitimate dealers to sell it, etc.
No. 3 – It would produce lots of income for federal, state, and local governments through lawful taxation.
No. 4 – By cutting off the most lucrative source of untraceable cash, it would decrease the corruption among our politicians and law enforcement officers who turn the other way to facilitate the illegal trade.
No. 5 – My personal favorite. It would kill off many, many, many useless and unproductive men and women who are already hooked on drugs, or who are stupid enough to want to “experiment” with them or buy them “for recreational use”.
There - I have given my best advice. Unfortunately it will not be taken, and I am therefore forced to put on my Hit List all pushers, drug lords, plant growers, etc.

THE ENVELOPE PLEASE...

2008-10-03T15:14:00.000-07:00

I have another confession to make...
In the first one - made about a year ago - I revealed that I was a racist.... like everybody else.
This one is even more embarrassing... and I'm having a hard time forcing myself to even talk about it...
Still, I know I couldn't look at myself in the mirror if I didn't tell the truth... or if I even fudged about it.
So... here it goes... Until about 40 years ago I used to actually watch the Oscar presentation shows.... Can you forgive me?... Please?!?!...
But that's not even the worst part... it gets much worse... I am blushing even as I am writing it... but it's confession time... Maybe I'll just whisper it... Until about 40 years ago I actually CARED about who won the goddamned Oscars.
There!... I've said it!... I feel better already... I feel the way I used to feel when - as a young man - I used to go to confession and I would unburden myself of all the minor sins staining my soul. Pure as the driven snow.
I am not trying to restore my credibility or to burnish my tarnished image but, for some reason, I never really cared or even followed all the other Awards presentations - the Emmy's, the Tony's, and I forget what some of the others are called.
I don't remember exactly when it happened, but I stopped caring when I realized what all those Award presentations really are. It took me a long time - hell! I was at least 30! - but I finally saw the light. It finally dawned on me that all those awards are NOT a form of recognition given by outsiders... by an impartial jury, so to speak... a la Nobel Prize or Pulitzer Prize.
No, No, No, children... All those awards are awards given by an industry TO THEMSELVES...
It's as if I - Letterio - decide to give an award to "Letterio.blogspot" as the best Blog around. Well... no, that's not quite accurate... It's as if the bloggers responsible for Letterio... Down with Absolute... the Delaware Curmudgeon... and a few others gave awards to themselves.
The whole idea is numbingly inane, but brilliantly brilliant, of course. Witness the fact that people still go ga-ga about who won the Oscar, or the Emmy, or whatever... It's brilliant because those bastards skillfully manage to contraband a ton and a half of free advertising as a "cultural" event. Furthermore, in addition to the increased revenue the winners receive at the box-office, the industry certainly gets money out of the television rights. Pretty neat, don't you agree?
To me, even those minor awards given to movies, plays, songs, etc. by presumably independent parties, i.e. NY film critics or what have you, are meaningless. They just tell you what movie was good and what movie sucked. In their opinion.
But have you ever compared what your likes and dislikes are vis-a-vis the movie critics?... I have, and it's, like, 50/50... or, I should say, it WAS, like 50/50... I haven't been to a movie in ages...
Take, for instance, the movie "Titanic"... When was it?... About 10?... 15 years ago?... It was the most talked about movie of the year, if not the decade... I saw it at home, on videotape... somebody gave it to me for Xmas or something...
It starred this kid I had never heard of before, Leonard DiCaprio, who is the least Italian looking Italian I ever saw. Anyway, I pushed the tape in the VCR and sat down on my favorite easy chair waiting to be entertained. And I waited... and waited... and waited... and waited... After half an hour, I was bored to tears, but I figured - what the hell! - everybody has been raving about this movie... it's got to have some merit... it will get better, I'm sure... And so I waited another half hour... still nada... and then another half hour... and another... three fucking hours I waited.
I could have shot myself!... That's just to show how far apart ordinary people (like me and you) are from so-called art critics.
In my book, "Titanic" should have been tossed overboard along with that piece of jewelry deep-sixed by that old lady at the end of the movie. That particular scene, by the way, is a ranking contender as the silliest movie scene ever filmed.
Bottom line. Through all those award shows, you - the viewing or listening public - are being manipulated by industry hacks to created enthusiasm for their products. Worse yet, you are being manipulated to spend money on their product. And that, by the way, is perfectly OK. I mean, fair is fair... Both goals are perfectly legitimate business practices. Ordinarily.
What makes them illegitimate - or tainted, in my view - is that all other businesses call them by their real name, commercial advertising.
Masquerading that type of advertising as an award for excellence is a brilliant move, yes!, but it's also a shady one.
And I will not tolerate it.
And so.... Pass the envelope please...
And the winner is.... condemned to go on my Hit List. Along with the losers, the organizers, the voters, and whoever is connected with those events.

PEOPLE..... WHO NEEDS PEOPLE?...

2008-09-29T17:22:00.000-07:00

I was in my dentist office just last week... waiting.... and sweating... and not exactly eager to face what I'd gone there for - a root canal job.
My previous root canal job was the most harrowing experience of my life. It occurred about 45 years ago.
Pain?... SONOFABITCH!!!... I have no idea of what labor pains are like, but if they are anywhere near what I experienced on that occasion, my hat is off to all mothers.
Curiously enough, on that occasion the worst pain came when the guy administered the Novocain. I don't know what an optic nerve was doing in my gums, but he must have hit one because when he stuck the needle in I felt a wave of pain so intense that I saw triple, I swear. And then things got worse quickly.
Maybe the Novocain worked on my optic nerve, but for my tooth... nada... diddley squat... He started digging on my tooth with the same finesse used when they dig for oil. And I know he must have been using a Black & Decker drill... To make a long story short - when he finished I was in tears. Yes!... Me... a grown man... crying and calling for my mommy...
It was brutal, that's all I can say... plus it cost me over $ 200 (a huge sum in those days...). And to add more salt to the wound the goddamned tooth had to be extracted or fell off by itself - I forget which - after less than six months.
There was, however, a silver lining. Approximately 3 months after that experience, I happened to open the Wilmington Morning News and looked in the Obituary page. And what do you think was gracing that page?... You guessed it!... The name of my dentist!... And then the biggest shit-eating grin graced my face...
And don't nobody tell me it was a heart attack, like it said in the obit... I done it!... Yes, I confess!... I done it!... It was murder!... Murder by prayer!... I went to every church... basilica... synagogue... mosque... cathedral... pagoda... I covered all bases... and I lit candles... burned incense... offered sacrificial lambs... praying God... imploring God... beseeching God to kill that motherfucker.
And when I saw that obituary I actually fell to my knees and exclaimed "Thank you, God!", in whom I used to believe back then.
It was the first and only time he granted one of my prayers.
Anyhow... there I was, in the dentist office... and I was understandably nervous.
So what do you do when you are waiting in a dentist office?... And understandably nervous?... Of course, you just reach out and pick up the first magazine you find and start leafing through it.
As luck would have it, I picked up a magazine called "People". And I started leafing through it... Page after page after page after page... And I was enthralled... fascinated... mesmerized... hypnotized... spellbound... seduced... captivated... (OK... so I am using a Thesaurus...).
There was this numbingly endless drivel of the most inane crap about the most insanely unimportant non-entities ever created.
Apropos of nothing... can somebody please tell me just who the fuck is Britney Spears?... And J. Lo?... And Paris Hilton?... And Heather Locklear?... And a hundred... a thousand other names of guys and girls with strange names like 50 Cents, Snoop Dog, and so on. Can somebody tell me who they are?...
And no, I am not a caveman... I am a fairly informed guy, I swear, witness the fact that I have heard those names... Hell! I've seen them a million times... I am pretty sure they are all in the entertainment field (like hookers, I suppose... a not too dissimilar profession), but I have no idea of who they are, or what they have done to achieve celebrity status.
One thing I have noticed about them, though... a very peculiar trend. Over the past couple of years... regularly... like clockwork... someone seems to be getting knocked up. The girls, anyhow... Have you noticed that too?...
Only thing I can surmise is that they must have accidentally stumbled into the existence of the missionary position. And its unintended consequences.
Anyhow, can somebody please tell me just who they are?... Or why they are so famous?... On second thought, don't bother... It would probably depress the hell out me.
Back to People magazine. Is it just me?... Can somebody point to anything more... more... Oh, shit! I can't even think of an adjective to describe my dejection... my gloom... my despair when I see that depth of shallowness.
Do you want to hear a depressing statistic?... Worse even than the Dow-Jones plummeting 778 points as it did today?... OK, listen to this and weep - do you know that People magazine has a circulation of 3.75 million?... And since every goddamned doctor's and dentist's and proctologist's office has copies of that goddamned magazine, and each goddamned copy is read by at least one hundred goddammed patients, can you imagine the degree of boobishness... fatuousness... dippiness... nitwittedness (it's that Thesaurus again...) that's pervading this country?... And we fucking worry about terrorists?...
Doesn't it scare you a bit that there are people who actually look forward to reading the next issue of that rag?... It scares the shit out of me... I mean, the upcoming economic depression is worrisome, yes, but I'm confident America will bounce back. But people who actually LIKE and LOOK FORWARD to reading "People"?... That kind of shit is here to stay... And that's frightful, dismaying, demoralizing, ominous, spooky... and I'm not even using the Thesaurus...
OK, somebody will say: "So what were you doing reading it?..."
Guilty as charged. But I have a good excuse, Your Honor (doesn't everybody?...). I knew of course that it was shit the second I opened it, but I continued reading it to anesthetize myself against the upcoming root canal treatment.
Would you buy that excuse?... It's a bit of a stretch, I know... And yet, you know something?... It actually worked - I didn't feel any pain at all.
Anyhow, I have absolutely no use for whoever subscribes to that magazine (and all other similar junk).
Killing off 3.75 million people in one fell swoop, however, would make me a war criminal, so I will give them one chance to unsubscribe. Pronto! After that, it's off to the Bastille with them... then a quick trial by a kangaroo court composed by me, myself, and I, and then... voila'... Madame La Guillotine.
As for whoever writes, prints, publishes, distributes, or has anything whatsoever to do with that magazine (and all other similar junk...)... well, that's another story.
No Bastille, no trial, no nothing... They shall die.

PUSHING UP DAISIES

2008-08-06T18:50:00.000-07:00

There was a time when the smell of roses used to practically intoxicate me - that's how marvelous it was. Yes! There was a time when I could identify the smell of a rose blindfolded. Now, if they blindfolded me and waved a rose under my nose, chances are I could not identify it. Even the freshest rose has just a faint, unidentifiable smell of something... something not quite unpleasant, something vaguely reminiscent of mild deodorant. And the same is true of just about every other flower.Why is that?
I believe it's because flowers are no longer a product of nature. They are manufactured wholesale in huge greenhouses - as a result, they lose their most alluring quality: their perfume. Even real flowers now smell just as artificial as artificial flowers.
Ah! But why waste time on philosophical considerations?.... On my Hit List today go all florists. Why? They are all first cousins of undertakers. And they shall all perish.
Believe it or not, I consider myself a romantic. As such, I am prone to be gallant, I open doors for ladies, take them to romantic hideaways, don't cuss in their presence... do all the foolish things men in love are prone to do. Except giving flowers.
Well, that's not quite correct. I still do, occasionally. Very occasionally. Mother's Day, maybe... Occasionally, very occasionally even on Valentine Day. But it's always against my better judgment, I literally have to force myself to do it.
Weddings, funerals, any other special occasion, I absolutely refuse to send flowers.
Like I said, I do like flowers. But I hate florists. And I do not and will not send flowers on any of those occasions on principle. It's a big rip-off.
I never paid much attention to the commerce of flowers until my brother-in-law, my wife's brother, died. The poor guy was only 38 when he died of cancer. He died at home, and the entire family was there, his brothers, sisters, friends and neighbors, they were all there to console the widow and his two little children.
Someone called a florist, and this unctuous guy got there in no time at all. Like a trained vulture, the son-of-a-bitch brought out his catalogs and started showing his stuff around.
You had to see it to believe it - intricate flower arrangements in the shape of a wreath, a cross, a broken heart, a rosary... and if the deceased had a special hobby, like a guitar, a book, a car, whatever... they had that too... and if it wasn't in the catalog... no problem... they would make one for you. At a price, of course, and what a price!
I understood and shared everyone's grief - hell! I was crying myself, I was heartbroken, really. My brother-in-law and I were good buddies, we played tennis together a thousand times and got along famously.
I was grief stricken like all the others, but I still had some wits about me, and I could see what was going on. And I knew exactly what was going on - the prick florist was trying to make as much money as possible.
So I quietly tried to warn my fellow mourners, I tried to tell them, 'look, this fellow is pushing for the high-priced stuff, let's not go overboard here...'. I didn't flat out say the guy was taking advantage of their semi-impaired mental state, even though he was, but I did tell them to be careful.
Man, they all looked at me with disgust, like I was a leper... even my wife. So I backed off, and mum was the word, no pun intended.
They made their selections and we arranged for the entire bill to be sent to my house, and afterward we would all split the cost, of course.
The bill arrived three days after the burial - it was a little over $ 4,000.00 for 7 families. That's a ton of money today, and two tons of money in 1984 when it happened!
When she saw that bill, even my wife was just about wasted!... I told her: "Honey! I hate to say I told you so, but I told you so..."
She is under strict orders now - if I croak before she does, I do not want one single flower, non even a dandelion, nothing. If she brings flowers, I'll come back and pull her feet at night! It's a big rip-off!
It's pretty obvious that florist, like undertakers, prey on people who are defenseless. It's despicable!
But even on "innocent" occasions - Mother's Day, Valentine Day, anniversaries, whatever, just exactly what are they selling? They are peddling a product that somebody decided is a symbol of - take your pick - love, respect, affection, joy, pain, and any and all emotions. Unfortunately, it's also a product that not only can be expensive, but will inevitably wind up in the trashcan within a week of purchase. But that won't stop the peddlers from pushing it to defenseless or unsuspecting buyers.
Surely there must be better ways to indicate how much you love somebody, grieve for somebody, or whatever.
Meanwhile - all florists, let THEM push up daisies!

A MOSEY THROUGH THE VALLEY OF SHADOWS

2008-07-19T11:02:00.000-07:00

Let me come right down to the point - In my "post-Hit List" perfect world there will be no undertakers.
Some will argue they provide a needed service – I say any deceased can get a decent burial for $ 250.00 or even less. Anything over that, you are being fleeced. And, in most cases, you are asking to be fleeced.
How did I arrive at the figure of $ 250.00? Very simple - Some of the most touching scenes I remember from the old western movies were always of simple prairie funerals – six planks nailed together, a hole in the ground, someone to say a few words, and everybody back to work. And what was wrong with that? No reason at all why we can't do that today.
Back then, the total cost was $ 2.50 tops. Allowing for inflation, I think $ 250.00 will do it today.
Do you know how much is the least expensive funeral today?… Neither do I, but my educated guess is that it’s somewhat more than $ 250.00. A hell of a lot more.
And why is that? Because all the paraphernalia of modern undertaking are consumer products and are subtly marketed as most other consumer products – they make you feel you are a shit if you don’t use the best there is.The unspoken but very clear message of ALL funeral home operators today is this: If you don’t die in style you haven’t lived.
And that’s where the padding starts.
Caskets - will somebody please tell me who the hell needs a Taj Mahal coffin? I mean, one may have a need to "keep up with the Joneses" while he is alive, but that need ends the moment one dies. And it’s highly unlikely that there is competition among the stiffs as to who has the prettiest, the comfiest final resting place, isn’t it? Once you are gone, you just ain't gonna move, you'll be staying there per omnia saecula saeculorum. Amen. And per omnia saecula saeculorum you are not going to enjoy that padded, solid cherry wood, white satin-lined with beige interior, with solid brass swing bar handles casket they parked you in.
Viewings – Goddammit, I don’t even want to get into that! There really should be a law forbidding that kind of activity. That wholesale display of grief and tears - occasionally even genuine - is not only disgusting but unnecessary. I know, I'll probably come across as a cynical bastard, but my guess is that except for the immediate family, and sometimes not even them, very few others are really very shook up about somebody’s death. I mean, yes! They’ll say that’s too bad, but deep down they’ll also say ‘better him than me’. And don’t deny it!
Remembrance Album, or whatever the fuck it’s called, that book you sign when you go to a viewing – That, my friends, is something that drives me absolutely fucking bananas. It's the perfect example of what I am talking about.
Can somebody please, please, please explain to me just why the hell people do that?… You mean some people, after the funeral, actually pore over that list to find out whose ass was present and whose wasn’t?… You mean somebody actually gives a shit?… Somebody please tell me it is not so… Somebody please tell me nobody from the family actually requested it, and I’ll die happy… and then you can come and sign MY Remembrance Album.
I mean, you KNOW it’s just another gimmick for the funeral director to pad the bill, a bit of financial legerdemain… who’s going to notice another item lost in the confusion: Embalming - $ 2,000.00; Casket - $ 2,000.00; - Use of facilities - $ 1,500.00 – Limousine - $ 750.00 - Remembrance Album - $ 100.00 – ZAP!… Nobody will notice…
And then there are the limousines, the embalming, the flowers, the soft music, even the goddam Kleenex…
A service, my ass! Undertakers, by and large, are out to squeeze as much money as possible out of you. And what’s most reprehensible about their conduct is that they get their talons on their victims when they are emotionally incapable of defending themselves.
For this reason, I want ALL of them them to get a VERY expensive funeral of their choice.
As soon as possible.

VANDALS AND THIEVES...

2008-07-09T18:05:00.000-07:00

I AM BACK, GUYS!... After a three months absence, I am back!... And I am a wee bit mad...
For those of you who care to know, for one glorious but very expensive month I was in Italy, my homeland.

I could make you turn green with envy just telling you about the marvelous places we visited, the fabulous meals we had in charming trattoria’s, and the delicious wines we drank at the above trattoria’s and several other places. But I won’t.

I’ll just tell you we had a great time. Great as it was, I must say that returning home to this great country of ours was even better. We travel a lot, but coming home is always a treat.

And this particular time it would have been a real treat if we hadn’t found out that our house had been burglarized during our absence. Was that a great welcome back, or what?…

The pricks took all our jewelry, some crystal, and a telephone, of all things.

They were pricks, yes... but they were pricks with good taste, I must admit. I mean, screw the jewelry (which is something I hate anyhow…), screw the crystals (I couldn’t tell crystal from plain glass…), and most definitely screw the telephone (I detest all of them… I must be the only one around who still doesn’t have a cell phone, and I don’t plan on getting one anytime soon…).

My wife is still crying over the jewelry and crystals. Me?…I am shedding tears and am practically in mourning over the loss of a couple of bottles of 75-year old scotch in beautiful decanters. They took them also. That’s what I mean by good taste, the bastards!

I was planning on drinking it when I reach the age of 100 (like it says in the the song, I am a cock-eyed optimist… that’s why I didn’t write “when and if”…)

Should the perps go on my Hit List?… No, I am not a vindictive person… I just hope they spend every penny they managed to sell the stuff for on penicillin. Better yet, I hope they exchanged it for a bad batch of heroin… a very bad batch.

I’ll tell you who goes on my Hit List on the double, pronto, PDQ, tout de suite, before you could say Jack Robinson (when was the last time you heard THAT expression?…) - the prick (or pricks) who last night destroyed my mailbox.

Pricks! Pricks! Goddam pricks! All of them!

I think I have earned the right to be a wee bit mad... You see, in a brief period of time I have been victimized by burglars and vandals.

I am a reasonable man, and I can "understand" burglary. I mean, don't get me wrong - burglars should all be hung like all other criminals, but at least I understand their motivation. They have chosen an anti-social way of making a living or getting some extra money to feed their drug habits. But vandals?... As a reasonable man I cannot understand them - they do what they do just to be obnoxious, they get pleasure out of annoying people, and that I cannot understand, I cannot digest. I just don't see how one can get pleasure doing nasty things.

I am also a peaceful man. Everyone who knows me can tell you I am a very peaceful human being. I know now that inside every peaceful man lurks a serial killer.

Come on, now!… Are you saying that you would actually kill somebody just because they destroyed a stupid mailbox?… Like I said, guys, I am a reasonable man, a very reasonable man, and I am also a peaceful man, a very peaceful man… but try to understand, please – I have been living at my present address for exactly 20 years, and this is AT LEAST the twentieth mailbox I have had to replace because some prick (or pricks) decided to have some fun.

If I remember my math, this averages to about one mailbox destroyed every year.

After a while it gets boring… Boring and expensive… Expensive and exhausting… I mean, the fuckers didn’t just knock off the mailbox – they also knocked down and broke the post. Which means I had to buy a new mailbox, a new post, digging a post-hole, mix a batch of concrete, etc.

And to make things even more gothic, yesterday, exactly one week after I replaced my mailbox, mailpost, and all, one of those kind and gentle souls drove by in the middle of the night, and kindly and gently knocked my new mailbox askew with a baseball bat. Which made me a wee wee bit madder....

And so, YES! To answer your question, in my mind and in my heart I would most definitely feel like killing or, at the very least, beat the shit out of these guys if I caught them doing it.

Only one thing would stop me… well, maybe two. The first is of a metaphysical nature - if you shoot, or even harm, one of those motherfuckers, instead of giving you a medal the law will come after you, can you fucking believe it?…

The second one is of a practical nature - I'm quite sure they would probably beat the shit out of me.

Anyway, they are on my Hit List, and with a splintered baseball bat stuck up their ass, sans vaseline of course.

Seriously, what is the appropriate way to get rid of or get some kind of revenge over these useless poor excuses for humanity?... I am open to suggestions.

Anyway, the other two months I was home. I didn’t make any entry on my blog because I devoted all my literary energies making revisions on a book I wrote – a book that will never see the light of day, of course. That’s because finding a literary agent is harder than writing a book.

I could self-publish it, of course, but I think my book is good enough to be published by a traditional publisher. No, I am not quite ready to accept the Pulitzer Prize, but it’s pretty good, honest!

If anyone out there knows a literary agent, just drop me a line.

Like I said, I am back, and you can expect more or less regular postings in the future.

HAUTE COUTURE

2008-04-05T18:29:00.000-07:00

Gucci… Armani… Dolce and Gabbana… Ralph Lauren… Yves Saint Laurent… Gianfranco Ferre… Versace… Oscar de la Renta… I like all those guys.
They are all on my Hit List, of course… big time… but I like them, the way I like all hustlers. I like them the way I also like the head of all Mafia Families. Come on… admit it… you like them Godfathers also… Well… maybe not like them, but surely you admire them.
Anyway… Gucci, Armani, Christian Dior, all those guys… I like them also because they provide for me moments of pure, undistilled pleasure.
I don’t watch TV - except for Italian soccer games - but if by chance I come across a fashion show on TV I gotta watch. I am hooked, I am literally mesmerized. It's even better than soccer.
Just so we understand each other, I am not exactly a fashion maven – hell! I don’t even know what size pants I wear, I swear. I just know that it is large, very large.
But seriously. Have you ever - and I mean EVER – seen anyone – and I mean ANYONE – wear one of those dresses they parade down the runway?... Or anything vaguely resembling one of those dresses?...
It’s not too bad on the man side. A bit outlandish, maybe, but at least they wear pants and jackets that have a vague resemblance to the kind of clothing a normal man would wear. But on the distaff side… oh, God!… they are surreal.
Do you ever wonder how those guys make all that money?... I do.
I mean, it can't be from sales. Like I said, have you ever seen anyone wear one of those dresses anywhere, even at a party?… I know I haven’t… OK, maybe I don’t hang around the same haunts those ladies do… true enough… but still, I am 72…. and in 72 years the odds of having even a chance encounter are pretty good. But no, never, EVER. I have never seen one of those dresses, not just worn by a woman, but not even on a mannequin, in a display window.
Does that mean that they make just one of those dresses?... And if so, who buys it?... Who wears it?... Beside the model, that is.... Those are the kind of questions that keep me awake at night.
And don’t you love the way those ladies, or facsimile of a lady, sashay down the runway?… With that perfectly studied, perfectly calibrated walk, hips undulating mechanically, each step forward carefully curving inside and then, at a precise moment, gliding straight ahead. A thing of beauty.
And the look – the LOOK!… that fierce look!... It’s a look I haven’t been able to decipher. What does that look mean?....
I am hopelessly old-fashioned - I’ll admit it - but I still believe that the main, if not the only, reason for a woman to get all gussied up is to make herself attractive to men. And the same thing is true - in spades! - for men, of course. Men’s chances of scoring with chicks – pardon, ladies! - are much higher if they don’t go on that date wearing faded sweatpants. Even I know that.
But just wearing good attire isn’t enough. Not for me, anyhow.
Say, for instance that, by some miracle, I happened to get a date with one of those fashion models - and I’m talking about a serious date, the kind of date that could normally end up in a night of wild passion.
Well, she could be wearing an ordinary elegant dress, or she might even be wearing one of those horrific nightmares designed by one of those frauds - I wouldn’t care too much about that because I would know that, if I played my cards right, the wrappings would come off later on in the evening.
But if she showed up wearing that dress AND that look… God, if she came on that date with THAT LOOK on her face she might as well keep her damn dress on because I couldn’t get it up anyhow. NO WAY!… Well, OK, I’m 72… and - look or no look - there might be some problem along those lines, but I’m saying… even if I was 71… or 25….
It’s a scornful look, a look of contempt, a look halfway between leather bondage and sadomasochism, a look that silently but quite eloquently seems to say: “Fuck you!”
Ah! But I digress!… They are all frauds, those guys - and I am telling you right now that I always root for ANYONE who produces a cheap knock-off imitation of any obscenely expensive designer apparel and/or accessory. And I am deeply upset and annoyed when they are caught and sent to jail. To me, they should be treated as heroes. The real criminals are those so-called designers who prey on the gullibility of men and women and fleece good money out of them.
Like I said, they are all frauds, and yet I am fascinated by them, the way a spectator at a circus is fascinated by the antics of a trapeze artist or a lion tamer.
It's a fascination borne out of the expectation of impending doom. Most people who go to the circus hold their breath knowing that the trapeze artist could miss catching his partner and, as a result, fall to his death, or that the lion could turn on his tormentor and rip him to pieces.
I know I do. In my case, actually, I HOPE it will happen!
And that’s how I look at those so-called fashion designers – with the expectation, with the ardent desire of their sudden death. And a violent one, if possible.
Which is why, for instance, I have always believed that Andrew Cunanan wasn’t all that bad a guy. (Go ahead and Google him)

TATTOO'S

2008-02-29T06:41:00.000-08:00

Feb. 29, 2008 - This past October, while returning to my room at the South Point Hotel Casino in Las Vegas, I saw this gorgeous female vision slinking her way in my direction – a drop dead, breathtakingly beautiful blonde girl of about 20, elegantly dressed, perfectly made up… I’m telling you, a real looker. She was so stunning that I even pointed her out to my wife. Earning a sharp elbow on my ribs for my trouble.
She was wearing what looked like a paisley, long sleeved top, with matching skintight pants. As she came closer, however, I noticed she was also wearing a mini-skirt barely covering her assets, and that didn’t quite ring right… I mean, why was she wearing both pants and mini-skirt?
When she came within 15 feet of us, I realized to my horror that her long sleeved paisley top and pants were not what they appeared to be. Her entire body was tattooed with an intricate and convoluted design – I mean, her entire arms, her breasts (whatever was showing, and it was a lot…), her legs, everything up to and including her neck…
And, of course, I stared, in horror!….
And, of course, she saw my horrified stare, and gave me a look that said: “What the fuck are you staring at?…”
And, of course, when I saw that look, I returned it with a look that said: “You little slut!…You fucked up your body so people would look at you. Well, I AM looking at you...so what the fuck are you complaining about?”
Tattooing has been around since time immemorial. Over the ages, people have been pricking their bodies for many, many reasons, one more stupid than the other. According to Wikipedia, “tattoos have served as rites of passage, marks of status and rank, symbols of religion and spiritual devotion, decoration for bravery, sexual lures, etc…”
All of them, all people who pierce their body for whatever reason, ALL OF THEM – past, present, and future – were, are, and will be jerks. Per omnia saecula saeculorum. Amen.
I know, I know… I am going to ruffle a lot of feathers, but I won’t lie. I look at tattooing not as self-decoration, but as self-mutilation.
I don't care what excuse, what reason is offered as a rationale for doing it (sentimental reasons, religious reasons, patriotism….) - as far as I am concerned, it’s prima facie evidence of infantilism. My guess is that the average age of people entering a tattoo parlor is around 18, but their mental age is about 2.
To me, it’s bad enough when someone has even a very small tattoo on some hidden part of his/her body.When done in such vulgar and showy excess it becomes downright actionable. Actionable as in summary execution.
Take the case of that gorgeous blonde in Vegas…. Clearly, the only reason for doing that outrage to her body was to make sure people - especially men - would look at her. I can’t think of any other reason…. I mean, goddam bitch! You already are a knock-out!… Nature has given you a body and a face that would launch an Armada, you got the kind of chassis that would make all sailors of the 7^th Fleet desert their ships….What else do you need to attract men?
So, OK!.. You weren’t thinking right!…But don’t you realize that, even assuming a man is initially lured to you by all those horrific doodles and scribbles on your velvety skin, if and when the two of you do wind up in bed, don’t you realize he would surely be so distracted by that nightmarish tapestry covering your body that he wouldn’t be able to get it up?… I mean, how in hell can he concentrate on your body when, wanting to caress your breasts, he is staring at the wide-open mouth of a coiled cobra ready to strike?…
OK, let's forget about sex for a moment... but you and all those young men and women who plaster themselves with those hideous eagles, snakes, daggers, banners, crucifixes, flowers, names, etc…, don’t you ever think about the simple, inevitable fact that people - all people, you included - have the bad habit of growing older?….
And, if those ghastly designs look… well, if they look ghastly now when your skin is still firm and smooth, can you imagine what they will look like when you are fifty?… Or sixty?… Or older?….
Have you ever looked at your mom?… At your Dad?… At your grandparents?…. Have you ever noticed what their skin looks like?… It’s rough, it's scaly, it’s uneven, it has canyon-deep valleys, it sags, it wrinkles, it’s pretty repulsive as it is. Can you imagine what your ‘Harley-Davidson inspired’ souvenir from your youth will look like on your new, I mean your old, skin?… Think Salvador Dali on crack….
Look, I’m not into that “the body is the temple of the Holy Spirit” crap, and you shouldn’t mess with it.
Most people actually mess with their bodies for aesthetic reasons. Well, I believe you shouldn’t mess with it exactly for the same reason. Skin is skin - it's that absolutely gorgeous stuff that covers a baby when he is born, and it doesn't stop being gorgeous once the baby grows and becomes a man or a woman. It looks good as it is, and it is not meant to be a canvas for specific or esoteric designs, symbols, motifs, or what have you.
I even abhor the idea of ear piercing for women, a strange turn-around for someone whose roots are in Sicily where they pierce the lobes of sweet little infant girls when they are only one month old.
Well, I have always hated it, it’s a barbaric custom. I even had a hell of an argument with my wife when she wanted to have our young daughters' ears pierced. She won. And I lost. Of course.
Tattoo’s?… It's a silly and childish practice, but if you want one - a very small one, please - make damn sure it’s inconspicuous and tasteful, and possibly hidden.
As for those who “pimp” most of their body with creepy designs, please step right in - you are now welcome to decorate my Hit List.
Oh, yes!… And let us not forget all tattoo parlors owners, operators, and artists.

YOU GOTTA PLAY TO LOSE!....

2008-02-11T14:48:00.000-08:00

Last September I traveled around the United States. Ever since we retired, my wife and I have been going to Italy every year, but last year we decided to see these United States.
We went to Wisconsin, Illinois, California, Arizona, and Nevada. Beautiful, beautiful country!
The only negative note was in Vegas, and yes, because of the casino’s.
We stayed at the South Point Hotel, a recently built hotel-casino that offered excellent accommodations at a promotional fare of only about $ 90 a night.
I do not gamble, by the way – at casino’s, anyway. I love to play cards and, for over 30 years, I was part of a group of about 7-8 guys who played poker just about every Friday night. Just a friendly game, with a $ 2 limit. The group has broken up now due to deaths and divorces, but I do miss the game very much.
Casino’s, however, are not for me. I went to Vegas and lost a grand total of $ 2 – that’s because every time we went to our room we HAD to pass through the casino. Being the adventurous type - and a damn fool to boot - as I scurried through waves and waves of slot machines, my hands would automatically go through my pockets, and if I could find a quarter or two I would fish them out and plunk them in the gaping mouth of the nearest one-armed bandit, mumbling whatever I remember of the “Hail Mary”. Of course, Mary wasn't listening as usual, and anyway, I lost $ 2.
I am still in mourning over that.
I have been to Atlantic City several times, for various reasons. Usually, I have to go when we get visits from Italian relatives. You know how it is, they come to little Delaware, and after one day they have seen all there is to see there. So, we have to make pilgrimages to the Big Apple, Philly and, of course, we also have to dazzle them with visions of the Taj Mahal and other horrors. But I confess that my wife and I have also gone on gambling bus tours. When we do, however, we go to the designated casino, we collect the promised $ 15 or $ 20, and then we vamoose. I have never set foot inside Delaware Park yet.
What have I got against casino’s and legalized gambling? Nothing much, really – it’s just that, quite simply, I consider it LEGALIZED THEFT. No, no, no, let me rephrase that… I do not consider it – IT IS LEGALIZED THEFT. And I’ll be goddamned if I’m going to let the state steal my money, legally or otherwise.
The appalling part of this legal swindle is that most of the money is stolen from poor, helpless people, desperate people who believe in miracles. And, mostly, from the elderly.
If you are in Vegas, in Atlantic City and - I am sure - wherever there are slot machines, take a look at the folks gazing like zombies at those multi-colored, jingling machines. I bet their average age is about 97 – they are all on Social Security and the overwhelming majority of them is pissing it away, along with their savings, feeding those fucking machines.
First of all, let us state the obvious, let us tell it like it is... or was... and probably still is. – I know, you know, and everybody knows that when legislation was passed to institute state lotteries and casino gambling a lot of money changed pockets. A hell of a lot of money.
Where that money came from is anybody's guess. My educated guess is that it did not come from the Holy Angels Tuesday Night Bingo Association.
But let us pass on that. What absolutely floors me is the shameless sanctimony of the motherfuckers who pushed for the passing of such legislation. Income from lotteries and casino’s – they piously said – would be earmarked to improve social services, to help the young, the elderly, the needy.
Laughingly, a small portion has already been earmarked to fund one such service, a much needed service – establishing the Delaware Gambling Hotline to help those with gambling problems. In other words, first the motherfuckers skin you alive, and then they counsel you to have a thicker skin.
Fiendishly ingenious, don’t you think?
I absolutely loved - and deliciously enjoyed - all the hand-wringing and the teeth-gnashing that went on when neighboring states like Pennsylvania and Maryland also instituted lotteries and casino’s.
I loved it and understood it, of course. I mean, the pool of “stealable” money is not infinite, and you can’t afford to have too much competition. So, what can we do to retain the suckers, or attract additional ones?… Newer games, of course!…. Sports betting, of course!… Why didn’t we think of that sooner?
And don’t you just love the billboard advertising you see on I-95 and elsewhere? DOVER DOWNS IS HAVING A $ 250,000.00 SLOTS GIVE-AWAY – COME GET YOUR SHARE (or crap like that....).
GODDAMMIT! Isn’t there some anti-gambling group that on the very next billboard could buy advertising that says ‘AND ALL THAT MONEY WILL BE COMING OUT OF YOUR POCKETS… SUCKERS! (PLUS, OF COURSE, THE ENORMOUS PROFITS OF THE STATE AND THE CASINO’S)
I swear I would gladly contribute to pay for the expense of such a billboard.....

Oh, hell! Let’s not waste any time. On my Hit List go:

1. Every politician who voted for the lottery and the casino’s.
2. Everyone involved in operating a casino.
3. Everyone involved in operating the state lotteries.
4. Every manufacturer of slot machines.
5. Everyone who defends the existence of the lottery and casino's.
6. All lottery ticket vendors?…. I’m debating…. .Naaah, most of them are trying to make an honest living selling regular merchandise, and I really can’t blame them if they try to make a few extra bucks…

THE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES - AH! AH!

2008-02-05T17:08:00.000-08:00

I love young people’s enthusiasm…I am sincerely and deeply touched by it…. It reminds me of my own enthusiasm when John F. Kennedy came on the scene, many moons ago. Like most other young men, I was enthralled by Kennedy’s promise of change, by his vision of a better world, by his “vigah”…..
He was cut down by an assassin’s bullet 3 years into his presidency and no one can say what, if anything, he could have accomplished had he been able to serve two terms.
In the final analysis, however, he was a disappointment. A dispassionate look at what he accomplished in 3 years in office shows more failures than accomplishments. From what we now know, he was an impenitent profligate who spent more time in the Lincoln bedroom than in the Oval Office. And I say this not as a reproach, but with pure envy....
In 1960 I happened to see and hear his opponent, Nixon, when he came to speak in Rodney Square in Wilmington during the campaign.
Guys, it was hate at first sight! He literally dripped phoniness, and there was no way I would ever vote for such an obnoxious looking character.
Curiously enough, when his turn came in 1968, he proved to be a damn good President, despite Watergate.
In 1960 I voted for Kennedy on the basis of what he seemed to be and promise. Oh, hell! Why lie?!?… I also (and perhaps mainly) voted for him because, like me, he was a Roman Catholic.
Amazing how drastically opinions and motivations change – today I probably would not vote for anyone IF he was a Roman Catholic, just because he was a Roman Catholic, even if I believed he was perfectly qualified to be President.
What I learned from my Kennedy experience was never to trust anything I see on TV. He was the first president literally manufactured and packaged by television and I - like millions of others - bought the televised image. After that, it didn’t take long for me to discover that all televised political discussions, comments, and debates are, invariably, prepared and well-rehearsed hash. Just for the record, I haven’t watched a presidential debate in over 20 years.
In 1980 and 1984 I voted for Reagan and no, not because I am or ever was a conservative. Why did I vote for Reagan? For one reason only – he struck me as being a truly decent human being.
This is not name dropping, but I happened to meet him once in the 70’s when he came to speak at the Wilmington Rotary Club. This was right after he had finished his two terms as Governor of California, and there was talk that he was planning to seek the Presidency.
After his speech, he had stepped outside the Hotel DuPont just to chat with a few guys. I was one of them.
He seemed to be a truly nice and unpretentious guy, very down to earth, sincere in his beliefs, but not even trying to convert you to his way of thinking.
He was asked if he was going to run for President. Refreshingly, he did not try to be coy, like practically anyone who is rumored to be interested in the presidency. He did not say he hadn’t given the matter much thought, blah, blah, blah…He just said: “Yes! The country needs a new direction, and I am going to run!”
I told myself: “If this guy is nominated I will vote for him even if he runs for the Nazi party.”
I made a vow - I will never vote for ANYONE who, when asked before the campaign if they intended to run, has answered that he/she hadn’t given the matter much thought. Why?... BECAUSE THEY FUCKING LIE!
Take Hillary – the old joke would add “please”, but I won’t. I knew she was running for President even as Monica was going down on Bill. And yet, until last year, she kept denying having given any thoughts to running for President. WHY, FOR GOD’S SAKE?!?… Is there ANYONE in these United States of America who didn't know she was going to be a candidate the minute she ran for the New York senate seat? Well, yes!... I suppose so... Anyone under the age of two I guess...
In my mind, any prominent politician who denies having given any thought about running for President is a damn liar. Period. And liars do not belong in the White House. True, all 43 tenants of the White House have proved themselves to be liars, including my friend Ronald Reagan, but I figure that, AT THE VERY LEAST, the lying should start after one takes office. Is that too much to ask?
I have hardly followed the present campaign, but what little I have seen hasn’t impressed me much.
Obama, Clinton, McCain, Romney, and whoever else is left…. I haven’t heard any one of them say anything I hadn’t heard before.
All of their utterances have the unmistakable pitch of a sound-bite. All their proposals, their talking points, their solutions, their steely stares, everything has been pre-packaged. I haven’t yet heard one impromptu note of real concern for the present conditions of the world and the US in particular.
I am not saying anything new, but what they are all doing is just posturing.
I believe that the so-called TV debates are the worst thing that could have happened to the American political process and, ultimately, they will be directly responsible for the end of democracy in this country. I know, I know…. It’s a catastrophic prediction based on nothing but a gut feeling, but I’ll stick by it.
On the Democratic side, I consider both front-runners unqualified. This will get me into trouble with my daughter (she is for Hillary) and my grandson (he is for Obama), but I’ll say it anyway. I fear their preferences are motivated more by the circumstance of their preferred candidate's sex and race than by their actual qualifications.
My question is: If Barack Obama’s name was Barry O’Bama, and the junior senator of Illinois was white, would ANYONE, including himself, have the nerve to think he was qualified to lead the so-called free world? I think not.
I will concede that Hillary is marginally more qualified than Obama. Just marginally.
But, here again, she became a New York senator ONLY on the strength of being Bill Clinton’s wife, or putative wife anyhow.
I dislike her because I KNOW she is a liar. At the same time, I hope she will be elected because, despite her protestations that SHE will be the President, we all know Bill Clinton will be behind the scenes. And he was an OK President. And a world-class liar.
The Republicans really don’t have a chance. Bush has been so inept that I will wager any money that whoever the Republican nominee is, he will not want Bush to campaign for him. But the damage he has done is too great, and they don’t have a chance.
So, who goes on my Hit List today? I’m already suffering some withdrawal symptoms as I need my daily fix of bloodless elimination of “surplus” people.
Let's see?…. Who will it be?… How about all those assholes who have anything to do with preparing the TV debates?… Yes, why not?… And how about all those so-called journalists or debate moderators who ask all those softball questions?...
I am also tempted to include all the viewers who actually believe that TV debates give an indication of who is best fit to become President….
But if I did, who would be left to vote?…

WHAT'S IN A NAME?

2008-01-21T07:51:00.000-08:00

Jan. 21, 2008 - “Why would anyone fight a duel?”
“Why would anybody fight a duel?…. That’s a strange question… Let’s see…Oh, I don’t know… for any number of reasons, I suppose… You are assuming dueling was legal, of course… right?…”
“It’s immaterial, really, but just for the sake of argument… yes… let’s assume that dueling was legal.”
“Well… like I said… for any number of reasons… like… somebody insulted you or your wife… as far as I know in the old days it always had something to do with your honor… to redress a perceived wrong….or some crap like that… what kind of a stupid question is that, anyway?….”
“Humor me please… And where would a duel normally be fought?….”
“What is this, the D’Artagnan Chronicles?…”
“Just answer the question, please….”
“Oh, I don’t know…. Usually in some meadows… at dawn… with seconds watching….”
“Good… Good… And have you ever heard of a duel being fought in the desert?…."
“Huh!?!… What the hell are you talking about?…. In the desert?…. Why would anyone even want to go in the desert to start with?… Much less to fight a duel?….That’s insane…”
“My point exactly… Why would anyone want to go in the desert to fight a duel?…”
“I have no idea… but what exactly is your point?….”
“My point is…. I mean… if it’s absolutely insane to fight a duel in the desert, what degree of stupidity must one possess in order to name a tire…Yes!…A tire… you know… those round rubber things all cars have….. how can one baptize a tire with a name like “Desert Dueler?….”

End of stupid conversation.

I don’t know about you, but the crazy, stupid-ass names given to some products is something that drives me absolutely fucking bananas, and when that happens….look out… I lose all control, and I become a poster boy for Tourette’s syndrome.
Can somebody please fucking tell me why the fuck would anybody name a fucking tire fucking “Desert Dueler”?… Just what the fuck does it mean?… And not only that… How can a tire with a name like that become popular. Because it did... I'm telling you, it did - it’s one of the best selling tires made by fucking Bridgestone Tire Co. Can you fucking believe it? As you know by now, my goddamned mind works in mysterious ways, and I figure… when they select a name for some product, I assume several names are tossed in, evaluated and finally discarded when the winning entry is selected. Can you fucking imagine what cuckoo names all the other entries must have been?…. Tubby Tube? Rubicund Rubber? Pneumococcal Pneumatic? Somebody please help me, somebody please explain a couple of things to me.
No. 1 – Why whoever submitted the winning entry wasn’t fired on the spot.
No. 2 - Why whoever decided to SELECT that name wasn’t run over by a set of those same tires mounted on an Airbus A380.

I mean – GODDAMMIT! – is that name stupid, or is it just me?… Think about it!… DESERT DUELER!…. For a fucking tire!!!….

And the really scary part is that those marketing fuckers at Bridgestone KNEW that there are hundreds – THOUSANDS! – of idiots who would buy that tire solely because of the name. THEY KNEW IT, AND THEY WERE RIGHT!!!… And I will wager any money that most of them are the same guys who buy The Hummer.
True story. First time I ever saw that name was by accident – it was about 10 or 12 years ago when I still worked at WSFS.
I always parked my car in the bank parking lot, and this one morning, when I got out of the car, I spotted a penny on the pavement, right next to the wheel of the car parked next to mine. Being the cheap bastard that I am, I stooped down to pick it up – what the hell, a penny is always a penny…
As I stooped down, my eyes were only inches away from the tire of the car next to mine. The tire was rather muddy, but - in a blur-like - I saw a name that looked like ‘Desert Dueler’, but I couldn’t quite make out exactly what it said because of the mud.
Desert Dueler?…No, this can’t be, I said to myself, maybe it’s Desert Fueler, or Desert Mule, or whatever.
I swear I actually scraped off some of the mud to verify the name, and even after I saw the real name, I was so shocked, so in denial, that I actually went to check the other tires – all four of them – to make sure.
And that’s when I discovered the existence of the Desert Dueler.
I went to work that day scratching my head. You may find this hard to believe – sometime I don’t believe it myself – but that fucking penny ruined my day. All day long I kept thinking about it – Desert Dueler… Desert Dueler… Are they shitting me?….
I am a cynical prick, I am a hypocrite, I am a cheap bastard, I am any goddamned thing you want, but I am also a man of some principles. Just because of that name, I would not buy Desert Dueler tires if they were guaranteed for a million miles and if they cost $ 10 each – that’s how strongly I feel about it.
Whoever came up with that name, whoever selected it, and especially whoever bought those tires because the name made him feel like a macho man (or a dyke) went on my Hit List even before I came up with a Hit List.
And the same goes for the creators of hundreds – thousands! – of other incredibly stupid names given to as many other products. As well as the purchasers of those products attracted by said names.

R.I.P.

WITH A SONG IN MY HEART

2008-01-16T13:23:00.000-08:00

Jan. 16, 2008 - I love the old standards – it’s the only pop music I still listen to… Cole Porter, Rodgers and Hammerstein, Irving Berlin, Jerome Kern, George Gershwin…. those guys.
I know.... I sound like an old fogy – hell! I am an old fogy! – but really, they don’t make them like they used to.
Pop music has evolved over the years, but some aspects of it have remained the same, I guess. I say "I guess", because I stopped listening to contemporary pop music over 20 years ago.
Once upon a time, the main purpose of pop songs was to promote some aspect of love – wanting love, finding love, losing love, happy love, unhappy love, unrequited love. I got no statistics, of course, but my educated guess is that over 90% of all song lyrics dealt with that most ubiquitous of human feelings, love.
The other 10% or so were novelty songs, inspirational songs, Xmas songs and, now and then, songs devoted to social themes. And I guess that those proportions still hold true today.
And, apropos of nothing in particular, it’s about the "social" songs, the "protest songs", that I want to talk about today.
I have always been fascinated, frequently touched, and ultimately even amused by how most people - especially the young - view songs that deal with important, quote unquote, themes. Themes like disaffection, rebellion against authority, sexual freedom, sundry protests, civil rights, anti-war songs, let’s all love each other…. you know what I’m talking about… the “Blowing in the wind”, the “We shall overcome”, the “We are the world” type of songs.
Let me tell you up front that – cynical bastard that I proudly am – I consider all authors and singers of those songs to be a bunch of equally cynical bastards. And damned hypocrites also. But I admire them too!… Yes!… I admire them, the way I admire all really good con men.
How can you not admire them?… Hell! They managed to acquire a certain mystique, and they skillfully contrived to create a distinct “persona” - the image of an iconoclastic rebel - and how?… Simply by writing and singing songs tailored to the country’s moods of the moment. Oh, and I almost forgot a not uninteresting detail!… They also managed to make a ton of money in the process.
Of course, just writing and singing the songs is not enough. I mean, the songs would lose all meaning if the singers just stood there singing behind a microphone. The message comes across more forcefully when they stride boldly on stage with their disheveled clothes, fully accessorized by the equally disheveled hairstyle cum wild tattoo's and/or even wilder body piercings.
I am touched by the idealism of all those who look at those singers as if they were spokesmen for their generation, who idolize them as the Messiah’s the world has been waiting for.
I guess I have always had a streak of cynicism in me because I was never impressed by the antics of singers on stage, even when I was young. I confess, however, that at some point in time even I used to actually listen to, and even appreciate, the lyrics of those “anti-establishment” songs. But then I grew up – now I laugh at them.
Double cynical bastard that I have become, I am now amused by the thought of all those innocent kids viewing their idols as brooding young men (or women), as artists who carry the weight of the world on their shoulders, as suffering souls who really and truly feel the anguish expressed in their lyrics, who believe that their purpose in writing those lyrics was TO MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE TO LIVE.
No, no, no, children!…. That is not the way those guys work.
First of all, let me state the obvious – those wild get-ups, the hairstyles, the ragged clothes, the defiant stares..... they are all just stage props, carefully choreographed to achieve maximum effect… I am pretty sure even most of you suspected that, right?… If not… O God!… If not, then we are in REAL trouble….
Most important – the songs themselves…. You don’t REALLY believe those songs were written to make us aware of a particular social problem, do you?…. DO YOU?!?…..
You don’t REALLY believe that a protest song, an anti-war song, a whatever-the-social-fuck type song, was written with that purpose in mind, do you?… DO YOU?!?…
Personally, I don’t believe that any singer/songwriter - be that a Bob Dylan, a Bruce Sprinsteen, a Gil Scott-Heron, a Joan Baez, or what have you - was actually moved to write a song by some social inequity or calamity. I don’t believe it because that is not the way the world works, in every business, including the music business. And music is a business.
The overriding principle in songwriting is exactly the same as with all other manufactured goods – it’s the age-old, simple market principle of supply and demand. Guys look around and try to figure out what the public-at-large will buy. Once that is determined, they supply it.
In simple terms – WILL IT SELL?…..
If they think a certain type of songs will sell, they will manufacture it and take it to market. If not, that certain type of song will never see the light of day.
What’s all this got to do with my Hit List? Plenty…. In my perfect world, all forms of hypocrisy shall not remain unpunished.
Therefore, all singers, songwriters, producers, etc. who are responsible for any “protest song” shall be condemned to listen for the rest of their lives to the likes of Perry Como, Frank Sinatra, Jo Stafford, Ella Fitzgerald, Tony Bennett, etc.... guys who could really sing.

If nothing else, maybe they could learn how to sing. Or die trying.

ZERO

2008-01-05T13:45:00.000-08:00

Jan. 5, 2008 - Happy New Year to all!
I have been a bit under the weather lately, coughing my lungs out actually, and I was forced to neglect my duties for several days, but I am back - still coughing and, because of that, in a not very benign mood.
About one month ago, you will remember, my pet peeve was the number 9. You do remember, don't you?...
Well, today's pet peeve is the number ZERO.
I looked it up - Zero – According to Webster New World Dictionary, Zero is the symbol or numeral 0; cypher; naught; nothing;
Come on now.... we all know what “zero” means – it means less than 1 and more than –1!
It means “nada”, “zip”, “love” in tennis, a “shutout” in baseball, goose eggs… just zero.
And yet there are occasions when zero actually means more than zero - it can mean 1,2,3,4,5.... it can mean any number up to 100 usually, and frequently even more than that.
What is that old fart talking about?.... I can hear you asking yourself.
Are you puzzled?… I’ll clear the air for you.... That metamorphosis happens just about every time the word “zero” is coupled with the word “tolerance”. As in Zero Tolerance.
Does anyone know who first came up with that tough sounding sound-bite?.. It caught on so quickly among legislators, educators, and law-enforcement people that not one week goes by that I don’t read or hear somebody say that they have made some rule about something less stringent “…but we will have zero tolerance for any infractions blah, blah, blah….”
Yes! I would love to know who first coined that expression. I would want to compliment the guy first... and then string him up by his "double zero's".
Substance abuse laws have been modified, school standards have been lowered, speed limits have been increased, a number of more lenient new rules have been adopted for God knows how many laws, codes, statutes, ordinances, or what have you, ALL OF THEM accompanied by the stern warning that there would be “ZERO TOLERANCE” for ANY deviation from the new rules.
And then what happens?…. Slowly, millimeter by millimeter, centimeter by centimeter, inch by inch, foot by foot, yard by yard, it’s back to where we were before. Or worse.
Case in point, personally tested – Years ago they raised the speed limit on I-495 (from the I-95 juncture south of Wilmington to Claymont) from 55 to 65 MPH. This was done because nobody was respecting the 55 MPH limit, anyhow.
To acknowledge that reality, they said: “Oh, what the hell! They are all doing over 55 anyway... Why don't we just increase the limit to 65?….”
At the time the change was made, some chief cop or Dept. of Transportation guy – I forget which – gravely said, reading from a statement: “However…. there will be zero tolerance for speeders, I repeat "Zero Tolerance", and if you get caught going just 1 mile an hour over the posted limit you will get a ticket....”, and he then slowly raised his eyes and looked straight into the TV camera with a resolute, stern look that said: "You get caught, buddy, and your ass is mine!...."
Even without my calculator, I believe that 65+1 = 66, right?…
The guy meant that if you got caught doing 66 MPH or more, your ass would be in a sling. Yes!…I am pretty sure that’s what he meant.
Well, I dare say that 95% of drivers going over that stretch of road today go well over the speed limit. I have personally gone at 70 MPH there, once even passing a police car, and once going by a radar unit, and neither time I was stopped, and I don’t think it was because of my good looks…. Hell!...Just look at the "After" picture on the right!...I look Mafia!….In the past I think I got tickets because of my looks!...
The expression “zero tolerance” has become so widespread that it has been exported to other countries. Even in Italy now they say “tolleranza zero” - and with the same results I may add.
I haven’t seen one single instance where “zero tolerance” has meant exactly what it's supposed to mean, and I am getting a bit tired of that. AND IRRITATED...
Therefore, in my “post-purge” world, there will be zero tolerance for anyone who uses that expression indiscriminately, you know....just to let people know how tough they are.
And - trust me on this - it will be one instance where the word "zero" will mean exactly that!

THE HUMMER

2007-12-26T16:14:00.000-08:00

Dec. 26, 2007 - Today's target of my ire has been criticized elsewhere by better pens than mine, but I just want to get in my 2-cents worth.
There are multiple explanations for the malaise affecting the American automotive industry. But if they could all be condensed into one single explanation, I would point to THE HUMMER.
The Hummer was modeled after the High Mobility Multipurpose Wheeled Vehicle (I looked it up on Wikipedia), and that already tells you volumes about the kind of mentality Hummer owners have - they possess the typical mentality of what I refer to as civilian combatants - you know....the type of person who loves to see the pretty explosions and the havoc caused by those precise smart bombs as they slam into whatever target they were aimed at. It goes without saying, of course, that they love to see it from the comfort of their easy chair on their 50-inch plasma HDTV.
I truly believe that Hummer owners fancy themselves as ersatz military men, they vicariously see themselves driving their vehicle on the rugged terrain of Afghanistan or Iraq, and yes!... with a bazooka, an Uzi, or whatever the hell those goddamned military vehicles come equipped with. Kill those fucking Ay-rabs!...
You remember Rambo?.... Of course, how could you not?... The most idiotic character ever developed by Hollywood and, of course, the one forever installed in tinseltown mythology.... Hummer owners are ALL Rambo wannabe's, every single one of them. There is no other explanation - why else would you need one of those monstrous behemoths to cart home a couple of bags of groceries from Pathmark?
I love to see how the Hummer is marketed - if you want to get a couple of laughs, check out the official website of the Hummer. Among other pictures, there is one that shows a Hummer climbing up what looks like the rock of Gibraltar, only more jagged - you know, the typical terrain of Delaware and surrounding states...... And the mind-numbing stupidity of the ad is that whoever created it didn't even ask himself a simple question - what the fuck would that car, or any car, be doing on that kind of terrain in the first place. I mean, it would be just as likely for a Panzer tank to be in my garage, or a submarine, or even a Hummer for that matter...
I'll tell you exactly what's wrong with the American automotive industry - whoever came up with the idea of creating a civilian version of the Humvee should have been hogtied to the tip of one of those smart bombs just before launching. Instead, you can bet your ass he got a huge year-end bonus. That's what's wrong with it, and I predict GM will tank within 10 years - I've already sold my shares... both of them.
As for ALL Hummer owners, they should first be tested for proficiency by the Taliban Motor Vehicle Division and then, and only then, be allowed to drive on American soil.

RACISM

2007-12-20T15:11:00.000-08:00

I have a confession to make – I am a racist.
No excuses...no apologies... I am a racist. The only justification I have for this “shameful” condition of mine is that I have plenty of company, plenty of company indeed.
Let's see...On my side of the fence I count you, and you, and you, and you, and the rest of the world. On the other side of the fence I see nobody, not even Gandhi, not even St. Francis, not even the Pope, not even Jesus. No… I’m wrong… there are lots of pure and immaculate people out there… but all of them are under the age of six… they haven’t had a chance to learn how to be racists yet.
The point?…. To some extent we are all racists, and what distinguishes the “redneck” type racist from the ultra-liberal civil rights advocate racist is just a matter of degree.
But you see…. Being just a tiny bit racist is the same as for a nubile woman being just a little bit pregnant - you are compromised. It’s a poor comparison nowadays, I know, but you get the point.
And I don’t want to hear any comments from ANYONE stating that I am wrong, I don’t want to hear that you are pure, untainted, sinless, spotless, unsullied, and whatever other adjectives your Thesaurus will list - I know you are lying, and you know you are lying.
WE ARE ALL RACISTS!!!!
Racism clearly exists – like I said, we all are – and now and then it still is, and should be, actionable. But herein lies the problem – it is also such a “loaded” subject that it easily falls prey to hustlers who will either want to exploit its explosiveness for personal gain or will easily manipulate it to exculpate themselves from legal charges.
Whenever I hear someone hurling charges of racism against this or that individual, or this and that government policy, or this or that legal charge, or what have you, I immediately ask myself: “Cui bono?”
A brief aside. I studied Latin for 7 years in Italy and, ironically enough - for an atheist like me at least - the only Latin I still remember is the "Hail Mary" and "Our Father", plus a few assorted phrases like “Cui bono?” which means “To whose benefit?” or, in the American jargon “What’s his angle?” – End of aside.
And then, ironically enough – again, for an atheist like me - I am immediately reminded of another phrase from the Gospels, something that goes like this “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
The benefit, the angle is always so transparent as to be downright laughable. The accusation of racism will benefit the accuser, ALWAYS. Invariably, the accuser will reap some benefit from the accusation because, in the minds of the great unwashed, there will always be some doubts that the accusation may have some basis in fact.
And then, viciously enough - for an atheist like me - I think: “How dare this prick hurl charges of racism when he is himself a world-class racist?”

And he automatically goes on my Hit List, first class - death by stoning.

MENTAL HYGIENE....

2007-12-16T13:47:00.000-08:00

Dec. 18, 2007 - Today's rant is about psychiatrists.It's quite possible that I need one myself - my mind, as you may have noticed, works in convoluted, sometimes even tortured ways - but I have given up on them. To my convoluted, even tortured mind, psychiatrists are to the medical profession what priests are to religion and what attorneys are to the law. An embarrassment.
For instance, how in hell can two presumably respected members of that profession give diametrically opposed views on the mental conditions of a serial killer, an ordinary murderer, a pedophile, or what have you?
And yet, that's exactly what happens at just about any trial where psychiatrists are called to testify. The one testifying for the defense will invariably state that the defendant lost his marbles because of child abuse, destitution, sibling rivalry, no self-esteem, a drug-addled brain, whatever.
The one testifying for the prosecution, on the other hand, will say that, in his professional opinion, the guy is just as sane as you and me (and don't make any cracks about me...). And both of them will manage to maintain a perfectly straight face as they give contradictory testimony.
The fact is, psychiatry is a field based pretty much on the credulity of the common people, pretty much like religion, come to think of it. And, like religion, it survives and prospers feeding on this credulity.
The mind is largely unexplored territory and, to a great extent, it is still largely unexplorable territory ("spell check" underlined the word 'unexplorable', which means the word probably doesn't even exist, but you know what I mean....). Anyhow, that's exactly what makes the human mind fascinating, its mystery, its inscrutableness, its unpredictability.
And for those very same reasons the human mind is also very fertile ground for hustlers.
No, I am not making a blanket statement that all psychiatrists are hustlers. But a lot of them definitely are.
Look, when the profession branches out and offers services for the mental hygiene of dogs and other pets..... come on, now, let's be serious!..... You know a lot of gullible people are being scammed!...And yet, they are out there, and they are also raking in the dough, big time!
How do you separate the wheat from the chaff, the good shrink from the hustler? I do not have a magic formula - the closest I have come to needing mental help was ages ago when I had a bout of acute anxiety, whatever the hell that is. They stuffed me with tranquilizers to the point that I had become a walking zombie, living most of the time in la-la land and, as a result, being a temporarily useless member of society.
I finally managed to cure myself. How?
This is a true story, by the way. One morning I walked in my bathroom and opened my medicine cabinet to get my daily dose of whatever. On the cabinet shelves, about a dozen different bottles of pills were staring at me, all of them containing some kind of barbiturate for me and my condition.
I shook my head in disbelief and told myself: "What the fuck am I doing to myself and my family?"
And then I told myself: "Leo, get rid of all this shit...Its' not doing you any good...". On impulse, I just picked up all the little bottles and emptied them in the commode. And then I flushed it.
That cured me. No, not completely, I won't lie to you, but 95% of my anxieties soon disappeared. Now and then, the other 5% surface, and when they do, a tumbler of scotch on the rocks will make them disappear.
No, I don't have a magic formula for spotting the hustlers, but there are some telltale signs.
All the psychiatrists who testify in court are hucksters, by definition - they are just paid guns who will say what you want them to say. Add them to my Hit List.
You should also especially beware of the ones who consciously try to project the "image" - you know, the pointed goatee, the austere look, the detached demeanor.... they scream hustle. On the Hit List.
All the "Hollywood" psychiatrists are hustlers, but I want to spare them. On purpose.
I love seeing narcissistic and largely useless people being fleeced.

SMALL ANNOYANCES

2007-12-14T15:40:00.000-08:00

Dec. 14, 2007 - Today's rant is not exactly the kind stuff that drives me to insanity - it's just the type of annoyance that is.... well, annoying. You know what I mean?.... It's the kind of stuff that drives me only slightly bananas. No, actually it doesn't... it doesn't even infuriate me... it just makes me...oh, I don't know... it just makes me shake my head disconsolately...
I saw it today as I was driving home - it stopped right next to me at a traffic light, just to annoy me I suppose. I saw it and, like I said, I shook my head. Disconsolately.
And then I began to wonder.... why do people spend perfectly good money to have flames painted on the hoods and doors of their cars?....
It's insane under any circumstance, but on a beat-up old Plymouth Breeze?.... OK, maybe those flames were painted when the Plymouth was still young but - Goddammit! - we are still talking about a car that missed being a tricycle by having an extra wheel!....
But even if it had been a souped-up, 800-horsepower monster capable of going from 0 to 200 in a heartbeat, will somebody please tell me just exactly what those goddamned flames are supposed to mean?..... Other than the car owner is an asshole, that is?...
Short and sweet - every time I see one of those babies....... God! How I wish those flames were real.......

I KNOW... IT'S UNAMERICAN... BUT....

2007-12-13T13:06:00.000-08:00

Dec. 13, 2007 - I love America, I really do... What I like about this country is its freedoms - among other things, one has the freedom and the right to say whatever the hell one pleases. And I believe in that, I believe everybody should have the right to express an opinion... whether it's a social opinion, a political opinion, or an economic commentary. And I will defend to the death everyone's right to express an opinion. Yes!....Even a Nazi, a Ku Klux Klan member, an Osama Bin Laden, even Vice Pres. Cheney..... everyone has a right to say what he damn well pleases....
Except.... well, yes, I must make an exception. It's not an exception, actually, it's just wishful thinking on my part, and I wish.... I wish... I wish to put on my Hit List whoever doesn't abide by my exception.
And the exception is - if you are an actor/actress, a singer, a well-known celebrity, if you are known simply because you got a fabulous set of tits or you have the kind of masculine looks that set those tits a-fluttering, kindly keep your political/social/economic views to yourself, OK?.....I don't want to hear them!....I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THEM!.... NOT EVEN IF YOUR VIEWS AGREE WITH MINE!!!!!!..... SHIT!... ESPECIALLY IF THEY AGREE WITH MINE!!!.... You see, if that happened, I would feel forced to immediately change my long-held views - surely, if a phony like you agrees with me I must have been wrong all along.
"BUT IT'S UN-AMERICAN!... I HAVE A RIGHT, LIKE ANYBODY ELSE, TO EXPRESS MY OPINION ABOUT ANYTHING I WANT!..... IT'S MY RIGHT TO FIGHT FOR THE CAUSES I BELIEVE IN!.....HOW DARE YOU SAY SOMETHING SO... SO... SO UN-AMERICAN!....."
Yes! Barbra!... Yes! Jane!... I agree, you do have a right to do that.... I'm just asking you to please - pretty please with sugar on top - express your opinions privately, and privately means only when your are in the company of other phonies.
You see, I have a whimsical imagination - some have even called it weird. It's a will-o'-the-wisp fancy that clicks into gear whenever I read or hear that you have espoused this or that noble cause.
I just can't help it - it's on automatic pilot I guess - but whenever I hear you or any other a celebrity mouthing off on any issue, here's what happens. I get this picture of you spouting ideological nonsense about social inequities, or whatever, while you are also delicately munching on a low-calorie cracker topped with Beluga caviar, and you are sipping.... oh! so elegantly.... from a long-stemmed crystal chalice filled with perfectly chilled Pouilly-Fume' Savignon Blanc, even as you languidly lounge by your heart-shaped swimming pool nestled by your cozy 28-room pied-a-terre. And, of course, with a TV camera pointed in your direction.
I know, I know... your heart grieves for the poor Latinos, blacks, Irakis, etc... it grieves so much that you would even be willing to switch to that awful 2005 vintage Yellow Tail Chardonnay if it would alleviate their sufferings.
And you see, when I picture you in those indigent circumstances, I can't help thinking that perhaps your mind has been affected by being exposed to such deprivation for so long.
The fact is, darling, personally I don't believe you give a fiddle-fuck about the cause you are espousing.
No, wait.... I must correct myself....that's unfair, I may be wrong.... in fact, I AM wrong.... maybe you do give a fiddle-fuck - a nano fiddle-fuck to be sure - but still a bona-fine fiddle-fuck, and maybe you do care about this or that blah, blah, blah.... and I sincerely apologize for doubting your commitment to your favorite cause "du jour".
But, you see... my runaway imagination is not my only good feature - I am also a cynical bastard. And I can't help thinking that while you were doing your compassionate act, while you were in the process of showing your concern for the downtrodden, while you were courageously expressing your views about those controversial issues, the thought DID cross your mind that getting a bit of publicity out of it wasn't too bad of a deal, didn't it? And what better publicity is there than having your name tied to a "good", a "noble" cause.....
And if it did - and come on now, there is no "if" about it, it did! - then your yapping just becomes shameless advertising for your next picture, your next CD, or whatever and, anyhow, it dilutes the message you are trying to convey. In my old, cynical eyes at least.
So, please, do yourself and the rest of humanity a favor....SHUT THE FUCK UP!
And if you don't.... it's death to you. Worse yet, I shall issue my most lethal "fatwah" on you - I shall decree that nobody will be allowed to see your latest flick, nobody will be allowed to buy your last CD, all silicon will drain out of your boobs, or whatever.....

RENDER UNTO CAESAR...

2007-12-11T14:40:00.002-08:00

What exactly is that quote?... It's by Jesus, I think..... Oh, yes!... Now I remember... It's 'Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's and render unto God what is God's'.
Yes!... I believe that's what it is. (I won't lie to you... I looked it up - on the Internet, of course, not the Bible....)
The God's part will remain a mystery, to me at least. But for the Caesar's part, I think he was talking about taxes.
Anyhow, let's talk about taxes, a subject that is as comical as it is infuriating.
First of all, let me make one thing absolutely clear - as Pres. Nixon used to say before obfuscating any issue. Paying taxes is the duty of every citizen. In fact, let me say that in capital letters - PAYING TAXES IS THE DUTY OF EVERY CITIZEN.
Are you listening, IRS?.... I'll repeat it - PAYING TAXES IS THE DUTY OF EVERY CITIZEN.
Good... now stop reading, IRS....and listen up everybody else.
It is also the duty - THE SACRED DUTY, BY GOD! - of all citizens to CHEAT on their taxes.
WHAAAAAT?..... ARE YOU ADVOCATING WHAT I THINK YOU ARE ADVOCATING?....
YES!.... And if I could figure out how to write that YES in a bigger size on this stupid computer, I would do it. Damn, I'm good!.... I did figure it out!...YES! YES!
Whether you do it for cheap personal reasons or on principle, you are perfectly justified because I am pretty sure there is some law in the book that says you have a right to protect your own property from predators. And all governments, at every level, are predators.
Governments need lots of money for public or social works (a legitimate reason, of course), to sustain themselves (another legitimate reason - to a point) and, to an obscene amount, simply to squander and piss away.
When you are dealing with the collection and the disposal of trillions of dollars, it's only natural that some waste will occur. Within reason, I am willing to understand and even forgive a certain amount of "shrinkage" - I think that's what department stores call in-house theft and shoplifting. Let's be honest, even in the privacy of our own home we are all guilty of some unnecessary waste, whether it's water, electricity, food, and even money - and if we manage to do it in the small scale of our individual households, it's understandable and forgivable that it can occur at the national level.
My totally uneducated guess, however, is that if our tax revenues were spent wisely and - even more important - if they were collected equitably, our taxes, at every level, could be reduced by 50%. MINIMUM!
Do you know how many pages there are in our Tax Code?.... No?...Well, I don't either, but I suspect that it is more than 5. Why do I say 5?... Because I believe that a very simple and EQUITABLE Tax Code could be that concise. You earn so much and you will pay that much - how many pages do you need to state that?
The fact that there are hundreds of extra pages - THOUSANDS, GODDAMMIT! - indicate one thing and one thing only. It means there are hundreds - THOUSANDS, GODDAMMIT! - of loopholes. And do you know what loopholes are?.... They are simply the ROI, the Returns On Investments of the bribes paid to such and such senator and such and such representative at EVERY level of government - local, state, and federal.
DID YOU SAY BRIBES?... SURELY YOU MEANT TO SAY CAMPAIGN CONTRIBUTIONS, RIGHT?...
Read my lips - BRIBES!...
Of course, whoever introduced legislation to create those loopholes couldn't very well say they were paybacks to such and such oil company or such and such farm industry or such and such whatever. Of course not!....
The operative word is "INCENTIVES" - they are incentives to such and such an industry, incentives to operate in such a way that would guarantee jobs, incentives to stimulate competition, incentives to help a depressed area, incentives to Blah, Blah, Blah.... And blah!... And blah!...
PAYBACKS!... PAYBACKS FOR BRIBES RECEIVED... ALL OF THEM!
The infuriating part is that those "incentives" are also utilized by skillful tax attorneys to make sure that guys making millions of dollars will LEGALLY pay as much tax as an ordinary Joe Palooka, or even less.
The fact is, those bastards know the Tax Code inside out - they know that our byzantine Tax Code is chock full of loopholes containing other loopholes branching out into still other loopholes. They know that each loophole - and its subsidiaries - was originally created to specifically 'help' a particular industry or individual but is frequently worded in deliberately or even unintentionally vague language that leave it open to other interpretations and uses, and will be utilized by anyone who can contrive a similar situation or arrangement.
When millionaires wind up paying as much tax as you and me, or even less, you know damn well they are cheating on their taxes - legally cheating, but cheating nevertheless.
And since that happens, you don't need me to tell you that our Tax Code needs some serious overhauling.
But you do need me to tell you, to ENCOURAGE you, to EXHORT you to emulate those legal cheaters. If you don't know how to cheat legally, well..... you must learn to improvise, you must learn to create your own mini tax revolt in your own creative way.
YES!... PROTECT YOUR HARD-EARNED DOLLAR!.... CHEAT ON YOUR TAXES!..... IT'S YOUR RIGHT!.... IT'S YOUR DUTY!... YOUR SACRED DUTY!
Damn, I almost forgot!.... The Hit List!.... Any prick who has been responsible for the Tax Code, from page 6 on, shall be taxed to death.

PEARL HARBOR DAY

2007-12-07T16:59:00.000-08:00

Dec. 7, 2007 - It's Pearl Harbor Day. On Dec. 7, 1941 I was a 6-year old kid in Italy.
Genoa, my hometown, was being bombed every day by the English Royal Air Force. In my blessed ignorance I actually thought that being bombed was exciting - the only annoying part was being awaked in the middle of the night by the damned air-raid sirens warning us to run to the nearest shelter. I had no inkling of the worry, the terror, the desperation of my parents and all other adults who didn't know if their house would still be standing when they returned home. With me, it was: "Wow!... Bombs!... Airplanes!... Can I go out and see them?...."
Shortly after Pearl Harbor Day, the U.S. Air Force got it the act also, and they didn't screw around. They didn't go after Italian targets with the same ferocity that they did in Germany (see Dresden) or Japan (Hiroshima or Nagasaki), but they left their mark just the same. Still, I swear, I never felt any animosity toward America, even when I became a young adult and understood what had happened. In fact, by the age of 13 or so, I began to dream of coming to America and I was fortunate enough to do just that 3 years later.
My life, my real life began on Nov. 28, 1951, the day that I arrived in the United States. The preceding 16 years were an anonymous period of time spent just waiting for that date - they were so non-descript that I hardly remember any part of them. In fact, the only meaningful memories I still retain of the first 16 years of my life are those somehow connected with my coming to America.
I'm in a mellow mood - that's what pleasant reminiscing will do to you.
I know, I know.... I should keep in mind that I have the task - THE SACRED DUTY! - of identifying and ridding the world of vermin, and I shouldn't let nostalgia keep me from my self-appointed task. But I am a good guy, really!.... So I do have a few homicidal thoughts now and then, doesn't everybody?.... God, I hope they do, I hope it's not just me....
For instance, I am telling you right now that if I read in tomorrow's paper that somebody has assassinated Oprah Winfrey I wouldn't shed any tears. In fact, you might even see the faint hint of a smirk on my face.
Why, you ask?.... This is absolutely insane, but I do not have a compelling reason. I have never even seen her show - it just annoys the hell out of me hearing so many people say: "Oprah Winfrey this... or Oprah Winfrey that..." as if she was (were?) Jesus Christ's sister. And no, it's not racism.... In fact, if in that same volley of bullets they also assassinate Martha Stewart and Dr. Phil that faint smirk would become a horse laugh. So, there!....

THE PLUTOCRATS

2007-12-05T17:23:00.000-08:00

Dec. 5, 2007 - I am not envious of rich people, I swear, but too much is too much. And I don't believe in an equal distribution of wealth either - other things being equal, I strongly believe that anyone who works his ass off should earn and get to keep more than one who just shows up for work.
That said, does one really need to be a billionaire?... Come on, now!.... How much does one need to live not just comfortably but very well indeed?... How many goddamned homes, or cars, or suits, or pair of shoes does one need?... I'm not trying to make a morality play here, but you know there is something absolutely obscene about somebody having zillions of dollars when there are zillions of people literally starving.
This has got nothing to do with religion because I have no religion. I'm thinking, we are animals also, like lions, dogs, cats, and what have you. Any other species that I know of will let others eat, once their bellies are full. Why can't we do the same?
I suggest imposing a limit on wealth - make that one, two, five, ten million dollars TOTAL wealth. Let us set a reasonable amount that you, me, anyone could perhaps hope to be able to achieve. In our dreams....
Anything above that will be confiscated and used to help your fellow men, not just in America, but all over the planet.
For once, I am not putting anyone on my Hit List. And then again, some multi-millionaires (Trump, Turner, Gates... anyone who is way too much in the news for no other reason but for being super rich) are so annoying that I will gladly make an exception for them.

THE FOURTH ESTATE

2007-12-04T16:39:00.000-08:00

Dec. 4, 2007 - Newspapers. In my young days, I always insanely believed that the sole purpose of newspapers was to inform people about what was happening in their community, their region, their state, their world.
In other words, I always believed - insanely, again - that when I opened a newspaper I would read ONLY that the cops had arrested some low-life in a drug-related crime, that a murder/robbery occurred elsewhere, that Pres. Bush had decided to invade Iraq, and other FACTUAL happenings.
I was wrong, insanely wrong! Newspapers (and most of radio and TV) are just mind control tools in the hands of interested parties. And I don't like it one bit.
Do we really need some newspaper clowns to tell us what their views are about what caused that low-life to turn to a life of crime, or the reasons why that poor, unfortunate member of some minority group just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time in a robbery gone bad (is there such a thing as a robbery gone good, by the way?), and why they think Pres. Bush has lost his marbles? (so do I, incidentally, in fact I don't think he ever had them in the first place). But I don't think it's a newspaper's job to tell you about it - you must make up your own mind about it.
I don't think we need them to do it, and yet that's exactly what ALL major newspapers are doing. Worse yet, they do it without overtly giving the appearance of partiality, by using the simple method of "slanting" a news item in such a way that lets you know exactly where their heart is without actually shouting it from the rooftops.
Look, I'll be honest about it. I do not like newspapers to spout their views even when they coincide with mine. It is plain and simple propaganda and must be recognized as such. And yet, I am not aware of one single major newspaper that doesn't practice it.
At the very least, in the interest of fairness, if they insist on doing it, they should give equal time and space to opposing views.
As it is, we are subjected to a barrage of one-sided opinions from people who not only don't always know what they are talking about, but also have the advantage of a powerful medium at their disposal. Not fair at all.
Any member of the fourth estate who engages in overt or covert propaganda shall die.
And ditto for radio and TV, with the sole exception of those programs - from the left or the right - who make no bones about it and clearly state where they come from. Yes! Even that clown, Rush Limbaugh! He is a charlatan, but he makes no bones about where he stands.
And, much as I hate those guys - left or right - I appreciate honesty.

THE HIT LIST CONTINUES

2007-12-03T19:03:00.000-08:00

Dec. 3, 2007 - Today, in the cross hairs of my Uzi (relax! it's just a whimsical Uzi - as mentioned before, in my perfect world all weapons are verboten) there is something that has pissed me off for the past several years. It's a rather small matter, actually - it's the number "9".
"What the hell is he talking about?.... Has he lost his marbles?....What's the number 9 got to do with anything?..." - Plenty... Beaucoup... A hell of a lot.
I'm talking about the number 9 as in $ 499.99... as in $ 1,999.99... as in $ 2.99... Got the picture?
Who is that evil genius who came up with that fabulous con? You just know that Dante would have to come up with some special 'bolgia" in Hell for that prick. In fact, it would be the 9th "bolgia"! How convenient can it get?...
Short and sweet - every merchant who uses that "come-on" to hook gullible customers will be executed on the spot. I'm half tempted to include on my Hit List, all suckers who fall for that silly con. If I do, however, I would be a widower, so let's forgive the stupidity of all who fall for it.
What really pisses me off is that people, including my dearly beloved, will actually say: "I saw it on sale at Pathmark for three ninety nine!" GODDAMMIT! IT'S FOUR BUCKS!.... IT'S EASIER TO SAY FOUR BUCKS THAN THREE NINETY NINE!!!
Curiously enough, the con works better when the price of an item is less than $ 500.00.
I have actually seen cars advertised at $ 19,999.99 (plus tax of course), but I've never heard anyone actually say: "You can get a Chevy at Diver's for nineteen thousand nine hundred ninety nine and ninety nine cents." I guess it's too much of a strain.
Personally, I would patronize the store of any merchant who has the integrity to disdain such low tactics to entice customers, and I would do it even if his prices were considerably higher than others.
Meanwhile, ALL merchants who insist on using that shameful tool will first be tortured - dare I say it? - with a healthy massage from a cat-o'-nine-tails. And then shot.

POLITICO'S - DO WE REALLY NEED THEM?

2007-12-02T14:49:00.000-08:00

Dec. 2, 2007 - Last night I went to the first Xmas party of the season. Food was OK but wine sucked - foolishly, I drank about 3 glasses anyhow, and it upset my stomach. I've been feeling miserable all day long. Look out, world!
Oh, and did I tell you I also have a toothache?.... I didn't?.... Well, I also have a toothache, and I feel like putting on my Hit List a long line of people headed by my goddamned dentist, a female dentist, not bad looking either.
Last week she filled one of my cavities charging me $ 300 for the privilege. When she finished, she told me the drilling went pretty close to the nerve ending, and I might have some pain. If the pain was too severe - she said - I would need to have the tooth extracted, or I should consider having a root canal job, preferably the second option as it costs much more.
Well, I have been experiencing pain, but it is not too severe, YET, just very annoying. Annoying enough to put me in a foul mood with homicidal thoughts.
It's decision time - who is next on my Hit List? Let us aim high tonight, better yet, low - POLITICIANS!
It's probably a case of overkill because tons of politicians are also attorneys, but several politicians have temporarily ceased practicing law to enter politics, an equally lucrative and dirty profession. And, of course, several politicians are NOT attorneys, and we must be immunized against these viruses also.
I have often asked myself what prompts a perfectly normal human being to enter the political arena.
There are only two possible answers. The first is an obvious one - there is a good chance they are not perfectly normal people to start with. They are not perfectly normal, but they are very intelligent people who recognize that politics, like show business, can put you in the limelight. And, like show business, it can provide much, much more riches that getting an honest job.
I said they are "very intelligent people", but I must take that back. Not all of them are - some politicians are not very intelligent, they just have ordinary intelligence, and some of them are downright stupid. One is tempted to point to Pres. Bush II as an example of this last type, but I have serious doubts about that. In my opinion he falls in the ordinary intelligence category. But I digress.
All of them, very intelligent, ordinary intelligent, and downright stupid, have one thing in common - they are quite good at recognizing which way the wind blows. And they react accordingly, giving substance to the famous Grouch Marx line: "Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others!"
The only other possibility is that they are really good people who enter politics SERIOUSLY meaning to make a difference, SERIOUSLY intending to serve their fellow men by delivering some good government.
Most of these sincere people, I would say about 95% of them, learn within a very short time that, no matter what you want to accomplish, in politics you must compromise. And so, enter Grouch Marx.
The other 5% who manage to maintain their integrity by sticking to their principles either become disillusioned and quit politics or manage to survive at the local level in some remote hamlet. And while they may be admired and even loved by their constituents, they are also secretly, or even overtly, considered fools. Yes!... Fools!
Politicians have so fucked up the system that most people no longer associate the word "honesty" with the word "politics". It follows that if you are still a low-level politician, everyone will think it's because you are not ready for prime time. Some will recognize that it's because you have chosen to remain honest but, in either case, they will think of you as a fool.
What is wrong with politics, and what can be done to restore it to what it should be, the ultimate way of serving your fellow men?... God, what the hell am I getting into here?....
As for what is wrong with it, the answer is very simple. Everything is wrong with it - if the general consensus is that politicians rank lower than car salesmen, lower than attorneys, lower than shit in consumer confidence, you don't need me to tell you something is wrong with present day politics.
As for what can be done to restore it to what it never was but actually should be, I have a few suggestions.
First of all, let me start with a statement that will immediately be challenged as heresy. Still, here it goes.
ALL POLITICAL CONTRIBUTIONS TO A PARTICULAR INDIVIDUAL ARE BRIBES!
WHAAAT?!?!.... You mean ALL OF THEM?... You mean, even if I want to donate $ 10 or less for the campaign of Joe Blow who is running as an alderman in the Third District of some lost-in-the-forest county in West Dakota?... Yes! Even that is a bribe.
"But I believe in Joe Blow, he is an honest guy, he'll deliver, blah, blah, blah!..." - BRIBE!
"But I want to see good government, and he will clean up the joint..." - BRIBE!
"But how can he run a campaign without money?"
And here is my first, MONUMENTAL, contribution to the institution of good government anywhere.
If one prefers the present system of government with individuals running for election every 2, 4, or 6 years, ALL political contributions must NOT be given to an individual or to a party. All contributions MUST be placed in a pool equally shared by the major candidates. As is it, many potentially capable and honest people are discouraged from entering politics because they know they do not have a chance running against multi mega-millionaires who can finance their campaign simply by writing a check, or even by running against entrenched politicians heavily backed by the bribes of individuals and corporations they have favored in the past.
Under my rule, no one should be allowed to spend not even one dollar of his own fortune for his political campaign. If you are a Kennedy, a Rockefeller, or any other a super rich individual, and you want to spend some of your money, you can still do so - but you must contribute it or an equal amount to the general pool.
If you are interested in good government, you should not have any objections to seeing a leveled playing field.
My other contribution to the institution of good government is rather drastic - THERE SHOULD BE NO ELECTIONS AT ALL.
Is that drastic enough for you?... My plan is very simple: Every 2, 4, or 6 years, for whatever level of government, a governing body should NOT be elected, but rather it should be chosen at random from a pool of individuals with a minimum of qualifications, no more and no less the way we presently choose a jury for criminal trials. There would be no president, no governors, no mayors, no nothing. Just like a jury, this governing body will elect a foreman who will be a representative president with no real powers. All decisions would be done by a majority vote and, in case of a tie, the side with the vote of the "foreman" would win.
Needless to say, this could not be done overnight. People need to know and need to be prepared to the eventuality that on any given year they just might be called to serve. Therefore, all schools must offer in their curriculum some sort of civic classes specifically geared toward this possibility.
I recognize that my suggestion needs some fine tuning - a hell of a lot of fine tuning, in fact. For instance, what about the posts of Secretary of State?... Treasury?... Defense?... And so on?... I am not sure that we really need them, but let's assume that we do. Once again, a body of ordinary people can do just as well, probably better than an individual.
Mine is a revolutionary concept, but I believe it would work out just fine. I firmly believe in the ability of even ordinary people to face, adapt to, and overcome even the most crucial tasks and situations.
Bottom line - ALL PRESENT POLITICIANS MUST GO, preferably to the guillotine, that fine institution that served this very purpose so commendably well during the French Revolution....
By the way, lest anyone think I'm thinking local - whether it's clergy, attorneys, politicians, and whoever else will be included in my Hit List - think again.
For my Final Solution to be truly effective, I'm thinking GLOBAL, in fact, UNIVERSAL.

THE HIT LIST - PART DEUX

2007-11-30T14:21:00.000-08:00

Nov. 30, 2007 - The next entry on my Hit List is so obvious that it needs no introduction. It's a group of professionals (using the term somewhat loosely...) who had once a fairly solid reputation, but have somehow managed to squander over the past 25-30 years all the good will earned by their predecessors. And, in the process, they have also managed to create an entirely new category of jokes - no mean feat in itself.
I am talking - I'm sure you have guessed - about attorneys.
Attorneys are to justice exactly what priests (ministers, rabbi's, etc.) are to religion - a hindrance, an obstacle.
We do need attorneys, of course. Actually, in my perfect world - apres my purges that is - there would be no need for attorneys. We would all be getting along in perfect harmony with nary a hint of acrimony - civilized people do not steal, kill, or even argue with each other. They would all live peacefully needing no Law Books, utilizing one phrase only, the only decent dictum contributed by religion - do unto others etc...
But my perfect world is years away and, until then, we would need a few attorneys to direct traffic in our courts.
No more than 1 attorney per 10,000 people, though. A cursory look through your Yellow Pages will show that presently we have a shitload of attorneys - my guesstimate is 1 for 500 people.
That's way, way too many! If I remember my math, that translates to approximately 20 attorney per 10,000 people.
Calculator in hand, that means 95% are superfluous, and they must go. But they shouldn't go quietly into the night - no sir! They MUST first pay for their past sins. I am open to suggestions on how best to repay them for their continuing raping, pillaging, extorting, infuriating, and annoying all of humanity while they handsomely line their pockets, and while making a mockery of justice defending lowlifes and actively suing anything in sight (preferably companies or organizations with deep pockets) for contrived reasons, in the name of otherwise respectful people, victims only of a sudden attack of greed.
My Hit List, as it concerns the so-called legal profession, doesn't end there. All judges who don't laugh these clowns out of court must also be held responsible for their irresponsibility, and all juries who approve and award those insane sums of money should be tried and convicted of something..... What, you ask?.... How would I know, I am not an attorney....Hell! Those few remaining attorneys should be able to come up with some charge that sticks. Anything will do, as long as the penalty is death, of course!

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!

2007-11-27T19:24:00.000-08:00

Nov. 28, 2007 - 56 years ago today, a 16-year old wide-eyed boy in short pants arrived in America from Italy. His name was Letterio Aldo Vadala' later shortened to Leo Vadala.
If you care to know how I felt when I arrived, you'll have to buy the book I wrote. It's called "Some Grief... Some Joy....". It's a pretty good book I think.
No, it's not my autobiography - I wouldn't want to bore anyone with a tale of my undistinguished life. It does contain a few episodes that really happened in my life, including a retelling of my arrival in the USA, but it is mostly fiction.
You may have some difficulty finding the book in a book store or anywhere else, however, because... well, because I haven't found anyone yet who wants to publish it, can you believe it?
Anyway, America has been pretty good to me, and I consider Nov. 28 one of the milestone days of my life, just as important as my birthday or my wedding anniversary.
Happy Anniversary!
I am in such a mellow mood that all executions will be postponed to tomorrow, or whenever I'll resume posting to my blog.

THE HIT LIST

2007-11-24T11:19:00.000-08:00

Nov. 26, 2007 - I was raised as a Roman Catholic, but I was never a very devout one. I always had serious doubts about the existence of God or the divinity of his earthly representatives.
But then, approximately 30 years ago, something happened, and I can't even tell you exactly what it was. Only thing I can tell you is that I saw the light, it was an epiphany-like moment, and ever since then I have become a devout atheist.
The dubious honor of being first on my HIT LIST list goes to priests - in a truly civilized world they should all be put to the stake, like THEY used to do to heretics and non-believers. Personally, I view all of them at the same level as palm readers - even lower in fact. Like palm readers, they sell smoke, but at least palm readers do not have the balls to say that they represent a God.
Just so you understand where I come from, I don't want to give the impression that I am against the Roman Catholic Church only. No sir!... I am an Equal Opportunity Hater of all forms of religion.
Therefore, my HIT LIST for this category includes all ministers, pastors, rabbi's, ayatolla's - if that's the way to spell it - and all other hustlers who claim to speak for a god.
With the Roman Catholic Church in particular I have a strange relationship, one filled both with deep contempt and wondrous admiration. The contempt part is self explanatory - no other religion I know of, not even the most fanatical wing of Islam, has as much blood on its pure hands as the Roman Catholic Church.
It's not even close - in its history, the Roman Catholic Church has been responsible for the elimination, even the outright murder, of millions of people. The Church itself admits its past sins, and periodically will contritely say "Gee, whiz, I'm sorry..." for this or that messy affair of many years ago. And I won't even go into the sordid headlines of the past few years.
And that's precisely why I also grudgingly must admit I admire it - any other organization with that kind of a track record would have folded or imploded long ago. But not our beloved Roman Catholic Church - despite a track record that makes Hitler look like a choirboy, and despite having in its ranks an ungodly share of sexual misfits, it has somehow managed to survive and prosper, capitalizing, of course, on the incredible stupidity of its followers.
It's no mean feat. The way I see it, the Roman Catholic Church is just like a doctor who has managed to kill thousands of his patients, who has made innumerable wrong diagnosis, who has even admitted making several wrong diagnosis, and who still manages to retain patients, and even add new ones.
Clearly, we are talking major league stupidity here, but that can only explain part of the reason for the continuing existence of that church. I mean, after all, you can fool all of the people some of the time, etc.
The other reason, just as clearly, is the Roman Catholic Church's fabulous organizational skills, its incredible talent for damage control and - when attacked - its rather amusing, if maddening, ability to claim it is being singled out because it is THE Roman Catholic Church. This last talent, of course, has been borrowed from the Jewish religion for which I share an equal amount of contempt and admiration. And no, I am not an anti-Semite - some of my best friends are Jewish......
AT THE STAKES!... ALL OF THEM!...
I know, somebody will say that it is cruel and unusual punishment. Look, basically I am a soft-hearted fellow, and I wouldn't object if anyone would suggest putting them out of their misery in some humane way before putting them on a stake. But they MUST go, all of them!
That brings to mind the first of many side issues.
Overall, I find the U.S. Constitution to be a pretty solid document. Only two things I would change - in fact, need to be changed, BEG to be changed!
First is that "right to bear arms" shit - no one, and I mean no one should have the right to bear arms. In fact, no one should have the right to even manufacture any type of weapon clearly intended to be used to kill. Period. And before I forget, let me put on my HIT LIST every single manufacturer of any type of firearm, bomb, mine, warplanes, ammunition, etc. And whoever sells arms or traffics in arms. Every last one of them.
Second is that "cruel and unusual punishment" crap. Cruel and unusual punishment should be mandatory when a particularly heinous crime is committed - I am a firm proponent of the death penalty, and I don't particularly care if it is not a deterrent to crime.
I believe in vengeance, I believe humanity has the right - the DUTY! Goddammit!- to express its outrage when some horrific crime is committed. What is wrong with trusting your first instincts?
I just read about some couple in Texas who did unspeakable things to their 2-year-old daughter, beating her with a belt, holding her head under water, throwing her across the room, killing her, stuffing her in a plastic container, and dumping her in the ocean. Goddammit! I am shaking even as I type this.... Now, did you, did anybody say 'Gee, I hope they put them in jail for a long spell'?
NO FUCKING WAY! Your first instinct, my first instinct, the first instinct of anybody who has got any spark of humanity was to shout "skin the motherfuckers alive, slice his dick like salami, and boil the two of them in oil. And then beat the shit out of their attorney who, no doubt, will claim they were insane."
That's what any sensible human being would feel. Make that 'should feel'.
And I'm warning you - if you feel there is something wrong with feeling that way you are automatically included in my HIT LIST.
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Back to the HIT LIST. We were talking about the demise of priests, pastors, and other hustlers.
I can hear somebody say: "O come on now!... Not all priests (ministers, rabbi's, pastors, etc.) are bad... Surely you will admit some of them are very sincere people...."
Yes! I agree! Absolutely! And I even personally know and honestly like and admire some of them. I am even friendly with some of them. But, in my book, I would even lay all friendship aside and eliminate them first.
Yes, first! You see, those goody-two-shoes, St. Francis types are the most dangerous ones.
Yes! They are the most lethal ones, because they are the ones who still hold their churches together.
Think about it. Even the most devout believer knows deep down that the Pope, the Cardinals, the Conclaves, have very little to do with religion. They are just theater - the Vatican Follies, I call them. Hell! Anyone who parades around with those stupid hats and robes, anyone who promises salvation and asks for money, anyone who has that pious, mystical, heavenly look on his face any time a TV camera is pointed in his direction literally shouts phoniness.
Here I go singling out again the frauds in the Catholic Church. I swear, it's just because they are the ones I was raised in believing but - believe me, please - the same goes for the Chief Rabbi, the Dalai Lama, the Head of the Anglican Church, the Head Honcho of the Ayatolla's, etc. And the TV evangelists, especially the TV evangelists. Of course.
The "good" priests, on the other hand, the Mother Theresa's, they are the ones the ordinary people believe in, they are the ones who, through their self-sacrifice and abnegation, through their exemplary life, through their sincere goodness, unwittingly lead people astray and into religion.
Yes! They should go first! They are so good they probably won't even mind being latter-day martyrs, anyway...
TO THE LIONS!....

THE FINAL SOLUTION

2007-11-23T14:24:00.000-08:00

Nov. 23, 2007 - It's the day after Thanksgiving - Let us all give thanks... The first Holiday has come and gone... I can't wait for Jan. 2, 2008... I know, I know... I'm getting to be a grouch... old age will do that to you...
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Today, I am proud of myself - with a little bit of help from my grandson, I have managed to create my own blog.
All you young bucks out there will heave a collective: "Big deal!"... Well, IT IS a big deal, to me at least.
As my grandson can tell you, I am.... how can I say this delicately?.... I am somewhat technically challenged when it comes to computers.... and just about everything else. So it was a big deal. A very big deal.
My blog will be devoted mostly to list my pet peeves, to catalogue what and who really pisses me off, and to advocate what I whimsically call "The Final Solution" to all the problems of the world. Plus assorted rants and random thoughts.
Here is a quick preview of what are my recommendations for solving all the problems of the world. Stated simply and in a straightforward way, to make the world a decent, maybe even a perfect place to live we must simply get rid of what I consider ALL useless SOB's, riff-raff, and even harmless but annoying people.
"HOLD ON, THERE!... You said 'get rid'... Do you mean 'get rid' as in eliminate?"
Yes! In fact YES!... I mean eliminate as in weed out, stamp out, put to death, exterminate. Get rid.
It's a most pleasant and therapeutic form of daydreaming - try it sometime. In fact, I am sure you've already tried it. Come on now... don't lie... You have all seen, or heard, or perhaps are even related to some nincompoop, and you have surely entertained the idea that the world would be vastly improved if he/she weren't around. And, come on now... be honest... maybe you have even entertained the idea of doing the world a favor and do the job yourself. And - admit it - the only thing that stopped you from doing it is that there are some silly laws in the books.
Well, I will admit it - except for those silly laws, I just might have already "pulled the plug" on beaucoup people. But there are those silly laws in the books, and they insist on putting you in jail if you do it, so.... I must be satisfied with the next best thing - thinking about it, daydreaming about it. And I am hereby creating my HIT LIST.
Who goes on my HIT LIST?...Like I said, what I consider ALL useless SOB's, riff-raff, and even harmless but annoying people.
That's a pretty tall order - I realize that - and I will need to elaborate on that, to be more specific. I shall, therefore, endeavor to identify these individuals or groups of individual, one by one, as they come to mind.
Like MLK, Jr., I also have a dream. I can envision a world populated by good people, useful people, people we wouldn't mind seeing now and then - in fact, people we would look forward to seeing now and then.
To be sure, the world I envision will be scarcely populated, but quality always offsets quantity in my book.
I do not expect you to agree with me on my choices. Feel free to disagree, and I even promise you that disagreeing with me will not automatically earn you a spot you on my "Hit List". Of course not!... While stupidity is definitely ground for inclusion, honest disagreement gives you a pass.
My Hit List will not be in any particular order. I thought about compiling it in alphabetical order, but I realized it would be impractical. By the time I get to the "C", I will surely remember some asshole who, like asshole, belongs in the "A". It will not even be in the order of importance or size of the groups I would like to eliminate. It will be a random list - clearly, it takes time to compile a list that will be of enormous service to the entire planet.
And incidentally - any of you who stumble on this blog can feel free to suggest who (or is it whom?) you feel are deserving targets and why you feel they should be eliminated. I will gladly include them on my list, if I agree with them and give you credit for them.
But please, PLEASE, do not be cute and suggest putting on my HIT LIST anyone who makes lists, OK?. Again, I am doing this as a public service...
But enough already with the daydreaming. I declare open season on all useless, insignificant parasites, jerks, and assorted assholes.